u/Owl4L

It's so confusing and frustrating. I'm perpetually forgetting knowledge too and basically having to restart my life perpetually and start from 0 every day.

Also to save me from making another post I'm just going to include the other rant/vent I wanted to say-after basically being kicked out of everything and everywhere and after giving so much to so many people-I really regret it. I want all that time and money back. I know it's just a wish that will never come true but I could have used that time or that money really badly of late. At least I'm young-I'm turning 26 soon and a lot of people don't figure this out until way later in life and maybe never ever do. At least I can hopefully have some years of life without such negative experiences or company. I definitely will try not to do that again. So tired of wasting my time and effort and money on people who just don't deserve it. I've been burnt so many times. It's genuinely amazing I still try at all. I can be proud of that.

I completely lack the ability to imagine long term things. I can barely even manage to imagine or think about the here and now.

It just sits with me. Always fucking there. All the fucking time. Lingering over me. Hovering over me. A fucking miasma. A cloud. Just fucking there. Always fucking there. I'm getting better at catching it and noticing when it's striking and biting. I'm just so frustrated with how its ALWAYS there. It's so fucked because I know it's something I would never choose to experience yet HAVE to experience it all the time because of everyone else's fuck ups. No wonder I'm such an angry person. Not shaming myself-I just completely understand. I UNDERSTAND my anger now-it's ALWAYS fucking there. No matter what. Even when it goes away it comes back. Sometimes it pretends to be a helping hand but I've noticed that it DISGUISES itself as help but it's just another way of critiquing me. Fuck shame.

Animals? Never respect their autonomy or body language, treat them like dolls & toys rather than actual living breathing beings. Household items like the vacuum cleaner? Used and abused, never do maintenance on it (don’t even pull the hair out of the wheels for Christ sake). They even broke it DUE to neglecting it. THEY BROKE IT DUE TO NEGLECTING IT! IM SEEING MYSELF REFLECTED IN A FUCKINF VACUUM!!!

Problem with the toilet and it’s leaking & making noises? Just put up with it and never actually do anything about it. A “plus” side of this is I’ve actually been willing to teach myself a bit a home maintenance but it’s definitely due to compensating for them. They’re legitimately just old adult kids. They’re so disconnected from their actions too. Overfeed the dog? Just call her fat now despite causing that. It’s like they’re actually really stupid.

Just from watching them and watching how they treat things it’s like… wow. I see how I ended up like this. They just had no idea. It’s like one big game of dress up.

Oh also ofc I don’t expect them to be plumbers or anything and be highly proficient in everything- it’s just the fact that they don’t even try. Most of our problems at home are simple DIY fixes and every tradesman charges “fuck off” rates ($500 to twist a single bolt? & my parents didn’t even explain the problem properly to the guy.) I’m very lucky and very privileged to POTENTIALLY be inheriting this home from them. POTENTIALLY. Quite a lot of things have come up that have really jeopardised that so I’m uncertain and not sure anymore. This house matters because it’s ultimately the home I intend to take care of my disabled sister in and stay in- unless I sell and move. Just wow.

So much of my life has and will be inhering problems people before me didn’t want to fix. I feel more hopeful than upset today.

I can feel myself so badly wanting to fawn/ run and to shrink back down but I’m not gonna. I’m gonna bear with these uncomfortable feelings so that my sense of self can actually develop and I can be who I want to be.

God the nervous system dysregulation and the armouring. Oh my god. Just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. EVERYTHING IS SO TIGHT FROM CRAMPING AND CLUTCHING!

I just finally wanted to say it. I finally wanted to get that off my chest. Our relationship has been highly inappropriate with no boundaries. It’s probably done more damage than I’ve even realised. I’ll be healing and reeling from this connection for years.

I don’t even know what the fuck to say

I always go “my life has gone down the toilet.” BUT I NEVER HAD A LIFE! I never had one! I never got to have one! I never had one! I can’t even lie and go “oh well I mean before I remembered everything-“ BECAUSE I WAS REMEMBERING IT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL! WHICH FUCKED ME UP! A LOT!

There’s no point or place in time where my life was ever fucking good- which is so frustrating. I have no metric(? Is that the right word?) to compare or judge(?) by? Like I have no compass to go off of. All I got was little snippets of getting a life or developing a hobby or an interest before getting completely derailed. I had burnt out from life by the time I was 8. I vividly remember deciding that at 8 years old- I hated everybody and I was going to make them all pay and treat them all like shit. That I was going to break all the rules all the time, be angry and defiant and not GAF. That’s how abused I was. I had lost all fucking empathy or care by the time I was 8. I can’t put on a facade of “oh I was a sweet little angel.” No I was fucked up, disturbed and flawed- all because of shit I was completely powerless to stop. That hatred and bitterness towards the world has followed me my whole life. I’m a prisoner of it. I feel like to progress I need to, in some capacity, forgive the world- but I also just want to see it fucking burn.

I have deeply apologised and genuinely meant it to everyone who I hurt. My upbringing is just an explanation, never an excuse.

I don’t even know what to do or say.
I’ve never experienced such deep fucking anguish. It’s so absurd and surreal and just cruel beyond all belief. I get lectured, chastised and criticised about who or what I am by people who don’t give a single actual fuck about me or have no idea what it’s like to be me. Everyone I’ve ever met has always been the “sweep it under the rug” type. Maybe I’m an asshole because I just straight up say that it sucks. I be brutally honest. I can’t subscribe to a God outside of selfishly wanting my own desires granted by it because I can’t fathom a powerful being that watches over us and supposedly cares for us allowing such cruelty. But that’s poignant actually- because my parents- our parents- did exactly that. They let extremely bizarre and cruel things happen. You had to adapt. That’s so fucked. Adapt or die. What the fuck kind of life is that? I’ve done so many fucked up things I never should have had to have done just to fucking… survive? Why the fuck am I doing shit a soldier in WW1 would have to do just to get by?

I’ve been completely lied to, tricked and taken advantage of my whole life. I can’t even think straight most days. I have such an intense thousand yard stare. I just stare off into nothing. I’m a prisoner trapped in my mind. An indefinite sentence. I’m fucked up because of shit others did to me. My life has been shit from day dot. What the fuck do I do with that? Yeah I grieve and that’s awesome, healing right? But i’m still fucking poor, in poverty, living in the middle of no where with no infrastructure no public transport and a world that doesn’t give a fuck- I’ve lived a whole life of no one having given a fuck.

Unless I take my ADHD medication- I don’t do anything- and even then I’m struggling immensely. Everything seems set up for me to fail- and I don’t just mean “oh i’m scared of things going wrong“ fail no I mean literally I either do it or I fucking die. That’s the severity of my life. What the fuck? I feel so fucking awkward like I’m in the oofy doofy troop and got conscripted to fight in a war but they didn’t give me a gun with bullets they gave me one of those flowers clowns have that squirt water out and the brass were like “here kid- make this fucking work somehow idk idgaf”. That’s literally how every adult has treated me my whole life! IM AN ADULT NOW TOO! But I don’t feel like it! I feel increasingly childish. I’m having the tantrums I was never allowed to have. I fucking hate everything of late.

I keep continually pulling the wool off and realise no one even cared and any connection I had to anyone in my life ever did more harm than good and deeply misguided me. This was enabled and allowed to so easily happen because I had absolutely ZERO parental input in my life. No one gave a fuck. Legit. In the most simple way possible to put it- no one gave a fuck.

I could probably keep going but idk.Fuck everythin. Fuck life.

Like what the fuck do you mean I have to pay the price for my parents & grandparents fuckass dumb decisions? What the fuck? MY SISTER IS LITERALLY DISABLED BECAUSE RATHER THAN BE ON CALL- A DOCTOR WENT TO GET DRUNK INSTEAD SO SHE WASN'T DELIVERED ON TIME AND HAD BIRTH COMPLICATIONS BECAUSE OF IT! THAT'S JUST LIFE? WE SUFFER AND GET FUCKED OVER AND THERE'S NO JUSTICE? NO NOTHING? NO NOTHING? NO NOTHING AT ALL. THAT'S SO FUCKED. THAT'S SO UNFAIR! THAT'S SO BULLSHIT!

I'm so fucking bitter about life and it's bullshit. I hate it. Especially after suffering. Maybe that's me feeling entitled? maybe. I JUST WANT GOOD THINGS BUT I'M SO DEVELOPMENTALLY FAR BEHIND BECAUSE OF DECISIONS MADE BY FUCKING IDIOTS 50 YEARS AGO!!!!! FUCK!

Autism & Adhd doesn’t really help but my childhood was so absolutely dysfunctional that I have no idea what “normal” looks like. What healthy looks like. Everyone I met was so dysfunctional- its hard to even process. I can’t belie I’m turning 26 this year. I feel mentally & developmentally stagnated. I feel like I need a guide or tutorial on life because I never got one.

I’ve been isolating myself recently because I just end up making disastrous connections with disastrous people and wow- I have really realised how much of my life is just absolutely bizarre and broken.

It’s like a total mindfuck when you realise it was all so wrong and then you look around you and realise it’s all so wrong there too!

I’ve seen a lot of posters talk about the therapy they received and it’s so extensive. How did you guys afford that? For me it’s either therapy or bills or groceries or stuff for my dogs. I don’t have that cash to splash at all. Do you guys just juggle it financially?

When I graduated high school (which was amazing, legitimately no one expected me to) - I sat on the curb one day outside my grandmothers house and watched garbage be picked up and I thought to myself- “Oh. That’s me now. Now that schools finished- “i’m someone else’s problem.” All the teachers who mistreated and abused me got off completely Scot free and got to wipe their hands clean of me simply because I graduated and was now “out in the world.”

I literally got told to my face by a teacher that “no one will give a fuck” about me, being disabled, struggling- and he even added insult to injury by saying I was “milking” it- when I only asked for a single days extension on my assignment. I remember wanting to cry so bad but having to suck my tears up as to avoid getting bullied further by everyone. Just barbaric cruelty.

So wtf do I do? Just die? Literally got no guidance, no role models, was never taught anything, was discriminated against by teachers, other kids parents & faculty alike. No one cared. So much of my pain and misguided life could have been avoided had there been a single informed adult who cared but I didn’t have that. I had to be that for myself. Which is okay sometimes but I’m still justifiably angry at the bullshit ass treatment I got and how it’s basically lead to a life where it’s “you’re fucked.” If I get on social benefits- I can’t do anything deemed “functional“ because that will get me kicked off- but at the same time- I’m so disabled and traumatised- IM NOT FUNCTIONAL! But then I suddenly am or can be? It’s just such a fucking frustrating juxtaposition. Idk what I excel at because I was never allowed to excel- and I was neglected and never pursued hobbies because I barely knew anything. Just fully fucking abandoned.

I did develop a hobby and passion for watching film but fucking war in Iran, railway closures, economy and other problems caused that to become almost a pipe dream. I loved going to the gallery of art and watching movies but that just seems like a thing of the past now. I can’t afford to go + I live far away and can’t afford to stay overnight anywhere.It’s so frustrating. I feel so shitted off. Feel like Wimp Lo. “We have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke.” That’s what my life feels like. Like some cruel omnipotent force was just like “make sure every interaction he has in his entire life is fucked up beyond belief and have every influence in his life be negative.” That’s frustrating too- having to heal from the toxicity of others and their teaching that misguided me that I was too blind to even see or realise. A life time of being taken advantage of. At least I’ve realised this. It’s painful and frustrating but at least I realised it.

Lately I seem to do nothing but cry. It doesn’t even really feel cathartic. Because I just keep crying later on. It’s like I can’t stop. I can stop crying.

On a cellular level. My whole body. My "SOUL" is tired. I feel like I've been murdered. iDK if that makes sense but that's what I feel. Like I got murdered, butchered.

Feels like at any moment I will just shrink back down and slither away or curl up into a ball. God this confidence and authenticity stuff is harder than one could even imagine,especially coming from an adverse childhood.

I spend so long worrying about things going wrong/others attacking me that I want to do nothing but ugh! that's not living! that's just...existing! UGH! I think I honestly lie to myself to. I realise people are nasty or going to be horrible but still deal with them anyway-whereas any sane person would just fucking leave already. I'm working on that.

Just consumed with utter fucking rage over my barbaric treatment these past two days- especially with having a modicum of normalcy for 2 days only for it to get ruined and now be day 3 of spiralling.

i’m mean to be going out later to enjoy my hobby (movies) but that got called selfish for doing it. What the fuck? After 26 years of never articulating my wants or needs and finally every so often getting to go out- I just get shit on by some manipulative asshole. Hit every shame nail on the head with what she said. Just wow. I feel so sour and angry. I hope I can somehow enjoy going out.

Maybe for instance you hoard movie tickets-to really prove that you did go. You keep the tickets up your sleeve in case someone invalidates you or something of the sort? Or hoard/collect things that prove that you "lived?"/existed? I'm no too sure how to word that one but like...that you did things. Or that things happened. Like you need physical tangible proof? because otherwise it's like...you never existed at all? or something? I don't really know!

I've been analysing this behaviour in myself and I think it stems from some sort of gone haywire defence mechanism for me. I can't think of other examples but if anyone does read this and relate or think they relate-please share! I'm very interested in if others do this or not & would love to hear anyones stories if they're willing to share. I remember a friend hoarded candy wrappers from when she grew up in Japan before moving to the states.

All it took was someone lashing out at me to throw me back into chaos and mayhem. I've relapsed on alcohol, self harmed,screamed,cried. Man. I can't believe how cruel people can be-but I already know that but it's such a shock to your nervous system when it happens ALL over again. Man I can't fucking believe it. I'm proud of myself because when I was @ the shops I just wanted to destroy everything and just rip everything off the shelf and lash out at the world because I was so so hurt and hurting so bad on the inside-BUT I DIDN'T! I managed to keep my shit together and completed my grocery shop, even with the terrible intrusive thoughts.

I've had such a terrible time the past 26 years but of late it seems even fucking worse. Like it's on steroids.

Man it seems like I'm perpetually trying to build a sandcastle that bullies come over to kick over-and for ANYONE who fucking blames people for how they end up or what disasters befall them-fuck you. I've truly realised now that when people are down-people show up to put them further down. People actively go out of their way to make it worse. Horrible people. Horrible,horrible people.

Just fucked. So totally fucked. Fucking arsewipe cunt. I can't believe they had the fucking audacity as their final attack on me to do that. That was like how Scirocco decides since he's lost to Kamille physically in Zeta gundam, he'll destroy his mind instead. People can be so petty and nasty,especially when they know they're on the way out.

It's kinda ironic that all the "right" things, like healing, also lead to me being isolated, completely cut off & not spoken to but I guess even just my own company is better than what I had before. I was just fooling myself. None of those people would have given a fuck if I lived or if I died. Ahhhhhhhhh. What a painful realisation. I'm starting to realise too-I was never included from the beginning. DAMN! I wasted so many fucking YEARS on people who didn't give a FUCK! FUCK!