Advice for my daughter and her "incompetent" partner
Long time listener to the Pod,but first time in these reddit streets. My husband (50) and my(50) eldest daughter is in her late 20s. She and her partner also late 20s have been married for 7 years and I feel that they are struggling with a lot. Some background: a year or two after she graduated HS, eldest daughter met and married our SIL whom we love. It was rough for a bit because he is not religious.
My husband and I are religious, but we don't judge. We go to church, are active in ministries at our church and that is how our kids were raised as well. We can be seen as half hood half holy... I will raise my hands in the sanctuary, but I will also flip some tables. SIL grew up in a religiously abusive belief system so we understand, and give grace because of how he was raised. We hate that their family dynamic misused God in the way that they did. His family is a lot and there is a lot of hurt that they have caused and that he has. I am very protective over his emotional state. I told him, that even though your family is a lot, you have a mom and family over here.
Eldest daughter and SIL have two kids that we adore. They are both very young and the eldest is a bit of a handful. We are not (overly) judgy on their pareting style, but our eldest grandchild pushes their buttons and does not listen well. When they visit, they do better with us because we are pretty consistent with boundaries, but because we do not see them frequently (we live in a different state) we are not able to support as we would like to.
Our SIL broke his foot about a month ago. He can put weight on it, but he can't carry the kids or heavy things, but he is able to move. He has a knee scooter and crutches, however he does not use the knee scooter to get around much and can barely operate the crutches. We (my hubby, youngest daughter, and I) went on vacation with eldest daughter, SIL and their kids together recently and I observed him doing little to nothing but sit and scroll on his phone while my daughter struggled to cater to his every need and the children. We supported her with the kids, but he just sat and scrolled.
For example, the one day when I walked into the room coming in from a workout, I saw him scrolling at the dining room table while the infant was screaming at his feet and my daughter trying to get a breakfast made. My husband who walked in with me scooped the baby up, and tried to hint to SIL to help. He said, oldest daughter is cooking breakfast, our youngest daughter is helping oldest grandchild, hubby is holding infant, and what are you doing, SIL? He was looking for information about the lunch place instead of consoling the infant.
After that, our eldest daughter told me that SIL was feeling bad that he couldn't do much. I told her that he should do the things that he can do so that you are not overwhelmed. I told her that she deserves to rest too.
After that conversation, eldest daughter remembered that they had laundry to do. Our resort has in room laudry facilities. I suggested to SIL that he do it, since he was going up to their space where the machines are. An hour later eldest daughter ran down to our space for laundry detergent. I asked if SIL is doing the wash. She said, oh, he didn't know how to use it because it was different from what is in their house. I told her that there are words on the washer. Actual words that explain how to use the washer. She said that I guess he didn't feel like reading. She has made excuses that he feels bad that he can't help. I'm frustrated because it is clear that he doesn't want to help or do anything.
Another expample at dinner, SIL had no trouble getting up from the table and making his plate at the buffet place, but could not be troubled to make his child or wife a plate who was busy feeding the baby, by the time he had eaten two plates and was about to get dessert before she could eat on plate. She had to ask him to wait so that she could at least finish what she currently had.
So, how do I approach my daughter making excuses for his self-imposed incompetence? How do I suggest that maybe they should visit a counselor? Because we are religious I always lean toward resources/counselors who follow my faith tradition. I would love suggestions of resources that we could gift them that they could do together to encourage hard conversations but not necessarily focus on the spiritual.
TIA