u/OwnBoard5781

I am 19 this month, and I don't really have anything to show for it other than the fact that I am alive. I am upset because I have been suicidal basically my whole life, then when i first became homeless at 16 I immediately was on a self healing journey recovering from trauma etc. I lived with a boyfriend for like 2 years but he broke up with me around the same time i became homeless again. My drive to survive is extremely exhausting and infuriating.
Currently sofasurfing but I don't know how much longer I can sustain myself like this. I am barely a person? I am beginning to Forget things that i am interested in, important to me, I am struggling with socialising again too. I am trying to find a place to rent out with my friend ASAP, but i've never done this before. He has a job but I'm on benefits for disability+mental health, i'm worried we won't get accepted anywhere because what the hell am I gonna do then lol?
I was put on this earth and everything has been fucked since then. If i get a moment of peace, then it is balanced by moments of upset that feel 10x stronger. I had a housing appointment yesterday, with the same woman who tried to help me at 16, but from the sounds of it I won't be able to get any supported accommodation at least until next year. I'm not sure if i can survive until then. I am sad. I'm trying really hard to balance surviving and moving forward, and trying to be around people so i don't lose my mind.(Metaphor) It feels like I have a lot on my plate yet I can't eat it, because I have no cutlery, but also because i ripped off my arm in childhood, and the other arm is tied behind my back (metaphor over).
Maybe one day I can have my own place, my own garden, i can cook my own food, i can sleep in my own bed. I hope i deserve it, but with the actions i take around my own life, my self critical voices in my head, i'm not too sure. I'm just tired.