u/P1ss_Rat

Hello all, this is my first post here and I’m not sure if I’m looking for validation or actual advice or what, but me (30F) and my partner (30M) are in a loving, understanding relationship. He has diagnosed BPD- and while I don’t have a formal diagnosis yet, me and my therapist agree that the traits are there that only erupt when I’m in a relationship. We’ve only been together about 5 months, but we made the decision around month 3 to move in together in July once his room mates move out and we have space to live together.

We decided to move in before my episode, but I did have a birth control induced panic attack that lasted about 3 weeks before me and my doctor agreed was BC induced and I had it taken out. During that time I had a lot of panic induced doubts about our relationship and my brain kept convincing me to break up with him just to ease the anxiety -even though our relationship is really great. We both have issues we’re working on- he has some insecurities and some jealousy issues- and I have commitment fears from past relationships and occasionally slip up on talking about things that can be a trigger point for him (talking too much about exes, etc), but we communicate really well and it works for us. I’m currently doing DBT therapy and he’s decided to go once he pays off the rest of his debt in August. We’re planning on going to the DBT group sessions together once he can afford to.

It’s been about a week since having the BC removed, and I started Buspar for my anxiety and raised my Lamectol dosage a couple weeks ago. The huge spirals and panic have subsided, but a lot of the ruminating thoughts are still there some days. Not as much about breaking up, but mainly fears about moving in. He has been SO supportive during this time. Listening to my fears about my brain telling us to break up, holding me while I had my sobbing panics, but the only thing he’s afraid of is when I told him I had intrusive doubts about moving in. He’s been so excited and knows I am too- and it gave him some anxiety when I told him my fear. He told me he understands, but I know it’s weighing on him. I confessed it when we were both in a really fragile mental state and I messed up the landing when explaining it.

I know I want to, and he is completely locked into it. We’ve spent so much time getting the house and yard and fence fixed up so my dog can have a place to play. I only have the ruminating anxiety that lasts around an hour or less about once or twice a day, and usually when I’m baseline and clear headed it’s something I still want. But I know that this is impulsive, and want to make sure I don’t ruin things. We love being around each other- I feel like I have the safety to be myself and let my emotions run their course instead of masking all the time. We understand each other and our insecurities and fears.

Now, to be clear, this is not a move where we would be trapped together. He owns his house and we would NOT be locked into a lease. We agreed to control our own finances and I’ll be helping him with the bills by giving him cash each month. I currently live with my mom only 20 minutes away, and she’s made it clear that I will always have my room open to me if it doesn’t work. The thought I’ve been having to bring up to him would be a ‘soft move’. Like, instead of moving all my furniture in and everything I own, maybe just getting my dog and cats in, enough clothes for me to store comfortably without a dresser, and some basic things I need day to day/some comfort items. That way, there’s less pressure to make things work if they don’t, and I have an exit strategy in case we either break up or need to step back to save the relationship. And as time goes on, as long as things go well, I can slowly start bringing more things in until we’re all the way established. We will both have established alone time- as he works in the day and I work in the evening. So I’ll have the mornings to myself and he’ll have the evenings. Then we spend the butt end of week days together and the weekends. I want to bring the idea up to him when we spend the night together Thursday, but I’m worried about spiking his anxiety again. Does anyone know the best way to bring it up gently to ease the impact of his fears?

I know that there’s going to be a lot of people wanting to scream ‘Don’t do it!!’ But I’d rather leave that conversation up to me and my therapist. I’m mainly looking for advice on how to approach the situation and how couples with BPD have navigated moving in with each other. Thank you so much for reading and look forward to input

Hey all, I know a lot of people post about the many side effects that can come from Nexplanon- however I wanted to share my specific experience since I hadn’t seen many results for relationship specific anxiety when looking into my symptoms. I wanted to potentially be a thread someone can look at in case they’re going through the same nightmare I did.

I am fronting this by saying I am not a doctor nor giving medical advice. I am not telling anyone to have their Nexplanon taken out nor that it doesn’t work- I know it works super well for the majority of people who take it, and that’s great! Unfortunately, I already had sensitivity to hormonal birth control in the past- and Nexplanon took a toll on my mental health so bad that it put my very happy relationship in jeopardy.

The reason I started Nexplanon was predominantly for period control. I have PCOS and take speronalactone to help my head hair grow back and to lessen my facial hair. However it caused me horrible periods that caused insane pain and bleeding that would last 3 weeks at a time with little reprieve. I spoke to an ObGyn and told him my concerns about my past trauma with the Mirena implant and my issues with progesterone pills- which caused me a lot of anger issues. So he offered Nexplanon- which would provide small amounts of progesterone so it would ‘probably’ not cause issues. I agreed and had it put in. I had it in for a little over 3 months and just had it taken out.

Month 1: Things were going pretty good! My periods calmed down and I only dealt with light spotting. Me and my boyfriend had a great intimate life without having to worry about a ton of birth control precautions. I felt pretty good!

Month 2: I started feeling more anxious, like overthinking every negative thing my boyfriend did or said and being afraid of some imaginary ‘other shoe to drop’. I have GAD and chalked it up to my already existing relationship anxiety and trust issues from past experiences. We had only been together for a few months and I thought I was still settling into commitment life after 5 years of being single. I started therapy up again and we started doing DBT and ART therapy sessions, which helped a lot at first.

Month 3: This is where things went terribly wrong. Me and my boyfriend had a tense visit with his parents in the town he grew up in and hated and so he was having a particularly bad day. On our way home we had a tense conversation, but it really wasn’t too bad looking back on it- just a disagreement. We talked and I thought I moved on- but I found myself unable to shake the anxiety from it. Two days later he told me something rough from his past- and it reminded me of a traumatic experience of my own. That night I felt fine- I was happy he trusted me enough to tell me. But the next day, I had an unshakable amount of anxiety and I could not stop thinking about it. An imaginary scene I had created about it played in my mind over and over again and I could feel myself starting to spiral. I tried to brush it off as a rough day and went to sleep- only to be woken into a major panic attack. I was shaking, I had heat flashes and cold flashes, I had muscle aches and my chest was so tight. That panic lasted all week. I would have a couple hours of calm before the panic washed over me again and my body felt like I had just carried bricks up Mount Fuji. I couldn’t sleep- I was always jolted awake with more panic, but I was exhausted at the same time. I couldn’t shower because the temperature change from warm to hot made me so cold that I’d start shaking and panic again. All Xanax did was numb my body while I was still trapped in my own head. I had to stop drinking coffee and picked my cigarette habit back up because it was the only thing that calmed me down for at least a moment. I had constant ruminating thoughts about whether the talk we had caused this and if I could move past it. I heavily considered breaking things off because I was so scared that it was the only thing that would end the pain. At the same time- I craved his attention more than anything. Every time I’d go over I was wondering why I didn’t feel better- he’d been my safe place this whole time so why didn’t I feel safe then? All I could do is shake and cry as he held me. My sex drive never went away- I wanted it all the time. I craved the intimacy in between my panic sessions. It got so bad that I went to an emergency therapist and all I could do is sob about how I thought my relationship was in jeopardy. I finally opened up to my mom about what we talked about and she validated me and told me it was okay- that it didn’t make him or me a bad person because of what happened in our pasts. That made me feel a lot better. I talked to my therapist and we did an ART session- which eased the panic. I felt some sort of calm for the next week- I slept well a couple of times, but I’d still have nights where I’d just shake in bed with my muscles spasming. The week after I dissolved again. There was less panic but the anxiety and ruminating thoughts were still there. I still had cold and hot flashes, but I also developed health and agoraphobia. I was still having a war in my head about whether or not I could handle my relationship. I couldn’t stop googling symptoms and going to Reddit for self soothing. I convinced myself I had ROCD, or potassium poisoning, or Zepbound sensitivity, each time forgetting about that little plastic thing in my arm. I did google if Nexplanon caused high cortisol- but not if it caused anxiety. Also my Mirena symptoms were totally different- as that one caused intense depression, lack of libido, and avoidance. So I overlooked it until I scheduled an appointment with my primary doctor. Because it felt physical- my anxiety was never THIS BAD- not even in my abusive relationship let alone this perfectly healthy one. I was irritated and anxious at work- I got onto my students more (I’m a TA) and was short tempered with my family. I seriously considered checking myself into a mental ward at this point if she told me nothing was wrong.

This week: I saw my primary doctor on Tuesday. I told her about the Nexplanon and she told me that it sounded a lot like an extreme hormonal imbalance caused by my sensitivity to hormones. She was shocked that the OBGyN recommended it for period control since it’s not even good at it. She said it rarely happened but she did have a few patients where Nexplanon drove them bonkers and recommended I take it out right away. So that day I had it taken out by her. She was surprised by how hard it was to remove because I only had it in for a short time, but she had to basically rip it out because my body seemed like it was attacking it and fused to it. I walked out of the clinic and I felt a wave of something wash over me- hope. I know it was a placebo but I felt hope for finally having vindication- that I wasn’t too broken to be happy. A few hours later I was tired and tried a nap- and there was no jolt of panic. I felt rested- I felt good. I still had the hot flashes and slight mood swings, but nothing crazy. Yesterday, I felt exhausted, and a lot less anxious and fragile. The ruminating thoughts were almost completely gone. A couple of episodes lasting about 10 minutes but it wasn’t bad. I still had hot flashes, but I wasn’t uncontrollably shaking after I took my shower. I stayed at my boyfriend’s house and it was amazing. I felt secure for the first time in a whole month. I felt safe.

Today: I feel fantastic. My period is already coming back, but I don’t care. I will take the physical pain over the mental turmoil. I felt like I was in Hell and that I barely crawled out. I don’t feel broken anymore- I’m sitting at my boyfriends house and he’s playing a video game and I’m off doing my own thing, whereas I was constantly in need of his comfort while questioning everything about us over the past few weeks. The slight mood swings are still there, and the hot flashes haven’t gone away, but I feel good. Really good. Like everything was going to be okay.

Special shoutout to my boyfriend too- who knew about my fears and thoughts and chose to stick by me anyways. Who held me while I cried and shook every time. Who ran to my side every time things got bad. He’s honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I feel so bad for doubting us.

In summary, this was for people who are currently in the situation I was in- for those who are currently self soothing by Googling and hounding Reddit for answers in a desperate attempt to save their relationship. This is NOT a sign to avoid Nexplanon or have it taken out! I am a very uncommon case and my body just seems to hate synthetic progesterone. But I’m saying that if you haven’t considered it and you’re feeling similar symptoms- please see your doctor and ask about the possibility of it being the Nexplanon. They would have a lot better answers than me. And for those experiencing the same thing I am- stay strong. Don’t make rash decisions while you’re in a state of panic. Your thoughts don’t control you- and you are safe and loved. Everything is going to be okay

Thank you for reading