Losing friends
I 22F was recently diagnosed with bpd. However since I was 17 I was certain I had it, I had a period of denial of any mental illness from 18-20. When I turned 21 my life turned upside down. I was in drug induced psychosis fueled by my addiction to alcohol and snow. I've since broken the snow addiction (2 years since consistent use) Recently I guess my friends discussed it amongst themselves and came to the conclusion I am a bad friend, mostly led by my addiction to alcohol. Having bpd on top of an addiction is an experience hard to put into words. My alcoholism is normalized to me. I've gotten in bad states with multiple groups of people, so when it happens it doesn't feel like an "always" thing to them. But my long term friends obviously experienced it a lot more often. It's been months since I was at a group outing, since I've spoken to more than one of them at once. It's taken this long for me to finally sit and think about the things I've done and the friend I was. On one hand I have many people in my life telling me they weren't the people for me anyway. But it's hard not to think about the things I did to make someone feel that way regardless. Their complaints consisted mostly of frustrations with the symptoms of someone with bpd. I'm constantly reminded of how shitty they think I am for the men I chose to be around. That I don't text for days or always seem to be depressed. I try not to just make excuses and make myself sound like the victim. But it's hard when it feels like there's constantly 2 of you in your head fighting with eachother. It's upsetting I'm made to feel like my addiction is a flawed character trait of my being. That people think because I refuse to stop drinking it means I refuse to be better for them. Like it's a personal attack on them. Why can't you just stop? Can't you just drink water? You need to stop I can't help but feel like all I can say is "I know". Like I find it hard to understand why they can't see this is no longer a choice for me. I don't want to be this way. I wish it was as easy as "just stop". I can completely understand why people would just simply be tired of it. And that people simply don't want to get better. I've been going to 2 therapists(one of them being in an addiction recovery program),I've been seeing a psychiatrist, a nurse and taking my meds consistently while upping my dosage. Yet they still told me "you don't even try to get better you don't want to get help" All I do is try to get help. I'm a regular on the suicide hotline. I'm honest with my therapists and psychiatrists so I get the care I actually need. I guess I just wanna say I fucking hate alcohol