Vent and asking for advice
Ok, so context: I am 14, female and in an ultra orthodox commmunity. I’ve been here my whole life but as of four years ago, I’ve noticed the gaps that don’t make sense. I slowly drifted away and began discovering even more things, like how sexist and racist and islamophobic the Jewish community is. We’re not tought about periods until 12, and some not even then. Some have to run to their parents in a panic. even then, periods are something “private”. They pretty much frame it that we should be ashamed of our gender and periods and stuff. Most people aren’t even taught about sex until a couple days before they get married.
but I’m going off topic. I go to a Bais yaakov, and I have a couple friends (outside of school) who are like me and want to go OTD. Besides for that, they are the only ones who know. I have friends in school, may siblings and two parents. And too them I am a normal, robotic Bais Yaakov girl. The rules we have have been normalised to the extent I didn’t even realise how ridculous all of them are until I started looking into it a bit.
Im gay. Only one person I know knows. Everyone else I know is severely homophobic, and say pretty much that gay people choose to be gay,and are mentally insane.
i despeerately want to live the life I want, wear the clothes I wanna wear. I don’t even mean anything insane, just not having to wear tights, wearing pants and short sleeves in the summer or something. I want to be able to talk about period cramps with someone.
I once tried to get small jobs to earn a bit of money. My father didn’t allow me. When I asked him why, he said “because I own you”. I asked can I not get a job when I older? He said “no, because then your husband will own you” I was very angry. I don’t want to be owned. I want to be my own person.
But the vent ends there. I need advice of how to tell my parents I don’t want to live like this anymore? And even if I do, what then? If I get kicked out of school, my family will be gosssiped about constantly.i will lose most of my friends, if not all of them.
I’m only a teenager, but I’m so done with this life. Please help?