guilt for not reaching out to adopted family
I (21) haven’t been regularly keeping up with most of my (adopted) family for a few years now. My siblings have a very distant relationship with me, which is mostly due to me cutting contact with my dad when I was 18. I’ve mostly been on my own since then. I’ve been depressed all my life but it got bad when I moved out for college. Since then, I’ve struggled off and on with self harm but im a few months clean as of posting this.
My mom is the only person who somewhat keeps in contact with me but I mostly find her annoying since she will usually message me about stuff relating to college. I was forced into college when I felt like I wasn’t ready for it. I was also pressured and guilted into staying with a major that I hated and wanted to transfer out of. Some resentment towards my family has built up over the years because they won’t listen to me or my opinions on what I want to do regarding college.
The other day, my mom sent me a long message basically guilting me for not being close with her. She said that she’s been my mother since I was a few weeks old and that she feels like she deserves better. She also compared me to a cousin of mine who cut contact with his family to be with a batshit insane woman. I told her that I was sorry for the distance and that I loved her, but I don’t think my heart was really in it.
I still feel bad about being distant but I think im at the point of no return and I don’t think I want to force an emotional bond with my immediate family that fizzled out a long time ago. Any advice would be great. I just feel so lost and useless right now.