I’m 20 years old and I’ve never kissed a girl. When I was a kid, around elementary/middle school age (11–12), I was probably the most popular kid in my class and even in my school. Everyone liked me — I was “the social guy” who got along with everyone. But at the beginning of my teenage years, I slowly lost that “spark,” especially after breaking up with my first “girlfriend” when I was around 13. We never even kissed or held hands, but after that something changed in me.
Since then, I’ve become extremely self-aware to the point where every social action I take feels controlled. I can’t interact with people naturally anymore without constantly filtering myself and wondering what people think of me. On top of that, I gained a lot of weight during my teenage years, which made my social anxiety and embarrassment even worse.
From that moment on, I basically stopped having any kind of relationship with girls in real life. I only had 2 or 3 online relationships, but nothing serious. Being bullied for my weight for so many years eventually pushed me to change, and I ended up losing a huge amount of weight. Now I know I’m in good physical shape, but during all those years I completely isolated myself socially.
Every day, I regret the fact that I’ve never had a real girlfriend while everyone around me seems to enjoy life with their partners. It honestly makes me extremely sad, and I wish I could experience relationships, even casual ones, just to finally feel normal. What’s the point of building a “dream physique” if I can’t even talk to a girl without feeling embarrassed or anxious?
On top of all that, this social anxiety also led me to develop an addiction to adult content since I was around 13–14 years old.