I will graduate next spring at the age of almost 25.
For some background, I graduated HS in 2020. I took a year off and went into CC in fall of 21. I recently didn’t meet the “B” threshold for my methods course for student teaching so my placement has now been pushed back to spring of NEXT FUCKING YEAR. I thought I wanted to go into coaching so that was another wasted semester, and now this. My worst semester academically since freshman year. I have severe depression and when it gets bad I don’t do anything about it or ask for help and then it becomes a continuous cycle. I never reach out because I’m embarrassed and have always been shamed for doing so.
I disappointed my professor, my friends, and especially my fucking mom. She was coming home crying from work because I upset her so much(her boss sent her home to be with me). I was telling her how I wanted to be hit by a bus and how worthless my life is. I’m so fucking disappointed in myself and that I had to be her child. I’m 24 and I just want to leave this fucking university and my house, I have no fucking money and I’m nearly half way through my 20s, it’s fucking pathetic, I’m a pathetic human being. I was doing better for awhile but then thought to myself nah I was always right, I’d never fucking amount to anything.
So now, I’m going to work at my miserable job again over summer (yay!) and take more classes to boost my gpa and stress myself out more. And I want to clarify, I know that this is my fault, I’m not blaming anybody but myself, I’m just mad because all I do is disappoint people around me. And my degree is fucking history Ed, it’s not like it’s aerospace engineering or something complex and abstract. ITS FUCKING EDUCATION. Anyways, I just needed to rant on here, I need therapy and a lot of things honestly. I had a bad time last spring and this spring was even worse, it’s amazing that I never thought I could go lower than that. It’s astonishing.