u/Particular-Depth-973

I'm happily remarried for the past 10 years, so I'm not dating- but I've always been curious about what I'm about to ask:

A lot of guys will say something to the effect of- "dating after divorce is very challenging unless you are extremely good looking or have a lot of money...."

My question- how would a woman know how much money a man has during dating? Again, I'm married; I'm over 50, so this doesn't directly affect me. But if God forbid something ever happened to my wife; and I was thrust back onto the dating scene, I cannot see a situation where I would share my bank account balance, or my 401k balance, or anything like that with someone I barely knew. If a woman asked a question like that, I would probably make a joke, change the subject quickly, and consider it a huge red flag. Yes, I would pay for the date; but paying for dinner and drinks doesn't really show much about a given man's finances.

I'm actually really fascinated by this subject; mainly because when I was single and broke, money was never a hindrance to me getting dates. So a part of me wonders if this is some wildly exaggerated or made up narrative. On the other hand, it's well established that lack of money is a major contributor to divorce; but that's not the same thing as dating, obviously.

Ok men, this is going to help a few of you out there. Because there are so many charlatans out there trying to get your money, I highly doubt you will find this info anywhere else. Pay attention and ask questions if you need to.

What you need to understand and what you need to know:

1. Restraining orders can be ordered out of criminal court and/or family court. There are advantages and disadvantages to both.
2. Restraining orders have terms. They may call for no contact within x amount yards. They may include your ex, your children, or even your exes family, friends, and associates. They usually expire after a set time- usually 1 year.
3. Restraining orders can be modified in family court.
4. Restraining orders can be renewed when they expire, but that requires a hearing. It also requires a new affidavit.
5. Restraining orders require an affidavit filed by the person taking them out.

What to do if your ex files a fake restraining order against you:

First thing- understand that in the short term, she's probably going to get it. I know Judges take a lot of shade in these forums, but as tough as it is, you need to learn to put yourself in the Judges shoes. It's all risk and no reward for them to turn your ex away. Once you understand and accept that you need to play the long game, it's going to be easier mentally to overcome this.

Second- know the terms of the restraining order up, down, left, right, diagonal, sideways, and all other ways you can think of. DO NOT VIOLATE IT NO MATTER WHAT. Remove your exes phone number from your phone so you can't accidently pocket dial her. Remove her social media. Make sure your location is on your phone so you can prove that you never violated the order. Be mindful and intentional about consistently being able to prove your whereabouts and your phone records. If your ex contacts you, that's a good thing. Save all call logs, save all texts. Do not respond to them but save them. Please understand- the worst thing you can do is to make an issue out your ex contacting you leading her to stop doing it. Why? Because it's going to make your exes argument very difficult the next time she needs to make it. Your ex: "I'm terrified of this man and fear for my life." Your attorney: "Mrs. X contacted my client on the following dates....if she is so terrified of him, why is she desperately trying to get ahold of him?"

Third- get a copy of the restraining order affidavit. You want to go through it with a fine toothed comb. The one advantage that you have is that all lies leave a trail of some kind. Consider very carefully how you can disprove the lies contained in the affidavit with hard evidence.

Fourth- hire a family court lawyer that is willing to depose your ex. Depositions are expensive- this one is probably going to cost anywhere from 5-7k, but they are absolutely necessary. In depositions everything, including the restraining order affidavit, iare fair game and her testimony becomes part of the record. A good attorney will absolutely demolish your exes lies and give you the leverage to make the restraining order go away.

Fifth- (this is highly dependent on the terms of the restraining order, the date of expiration, and what happened in the deposition) If appropriate, file in family court to have the restraining order amended. The goal is to weaken the teeth of the restraining order; and if possible, get your ex to agree or stipulate to it. Common examples of modifications- communication with ex via text or email are not violations of the restraining order as long as they speak only about the children. OR pickups and dropoffs of children do not constitute a violation of restraining order. Or school, extracurricular activities, etc are not violations of restraining order.

Understand- if and when your ex tries to renew the restraining order in a year, you want to make it easy on the Judge to say NO. You now have her lies exposed in deposition, another affidavit to pick apart, (hopefully) your ex agreeing to certain types of contact in the restraining order modification, and a whole year that proves that you are not a danger or threat to anyone.

If you do this, there is a 90% chance that your restraining order goes away in a year.

Hi everyone:

Look at my posting history; I've been around the family court block for 16 years. After 12, I won my case. I'm probably not going to make many friends with this post, but I feel that it needs to be made. And maybe more importantly, hopefully it helps a few people out there. The thing is, whether you are going through it or about to go through it or already gone through it, you have the opportunity to grow, change, learn, and have a brighter future. It's been my observation that the men that embrace accountability are the ones that find ways to overcome their past, their trauma, and their circumstances.

Ok, here goes-

Women take a lot of heat in our circles for their behavior in divorce and family court. A lot of it; most of it even, is warranted. I'm not here to carry their water and I'm certainly not here to defend the system, because for the most part it is indefensible. But there is a part of the discussion that we hear precious little about- how do men contribute to the unjustness of the family court system?

My observations:

1. It's a well known axiom in the divorce system that men are much more likely to blindly follow the advice of their attorney than women are.

This may sound like a good thing, but it's not! Anywhere between 90-95% of divorces are settled before trial, and the vast majority of those settlements are bad deals signed by men endorsed by their attorneys. The truth is that men are far more likely to throw their cases away than women are.

2. Men are far more likely to commit tactical blunders in divorce than women are.

This can take many forms. Moving out of the marital home is a big one and a common one. Also, agreeing to alimony, giving away inordinate shares of the marital estate, agreeing to supervised visits or reduced parenting schedules, failing to protect marital assets, and perhaps the worst one, giving away money to their wife or even ex wife for no reason. The last one is so common and so infuriatingly prevalent that I've concluded that a high percentage of men have a strange compulsion/burning desire to give money to their exes for no reason.

3. Men are much less likely to take advice from those that actually know what they are talking about than women are.

Because my case is well known where I live, I've had a ton of people reach out to me asking for advice about their divorce- both men and women. At this point, I've talked to several hundred people. Even though most of them are men, I can count the number of men that have actually listened to winning strategy and tactics on one hand. Most women diligently listen and follow instructions, however. Again, this may piss some people off- but its the truth.

4. Men are much more likely to give bad advice to other men than women would give to other women in divorce.

Again, women take a lot of shade for justifying behavior after divorce. But men are at least as bad and this is one of the ugly proofs of that. Men that throw away their cases tend to not be satisfied. They then tend to double down and try to get other men to throw away their cases as well. This is the genesis of the real garbage advice: do whatever your attorney tells you, give away custody, move out of the home, give away free money for nothing, etc....

I may add to this in time. Hopefully it generates some good discussion.