Amazing news for Calgary Alberta fans. Never expected Dom to come to Stampede, let alone Calgary! Dom was a late entry added to Sam Barbers set. I bought tix right away! Anyone have any clue what the set will look like accompanying Sam Barber?
Hello everyone
I (F23) was diagnosed with OCPD sometime last year but I feel that my psychiatrist at the time didn’t see me enough times (she only saw me twice) to give me a proper diagnosis.
I’m making a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to discuss options for medication and a proper assessment. But, all that aside, I’ve been very hyper aware of my OCD for years. It’s always been something I felt I could manage and control, and although it was so so exhausting mentally I always made it through. Here’s some backstory, but to clarify, I’m not looking for Reddit to diagnose me. Just to hear me and give me advice on if I actually should seek out meditation. My anxiety is telling me I’ll be a shell of a person and my personality will change. And what if I actually don’t have OCD?
This is where I’m at now/some context:
Me and my boyfriend just hit 6 months together and I’m tired of how my OCD is attacking my relationship. I always internalize my OCD and anxiety, and I don’t think my “issues” are that noticeable on the outside. But recently I’m having thoughts I’ve never had before, like I just want to remove my brain and replace it with a new better one. Everything feels so heavy and constant, the thoughts won’t leave me alone and it’s so daunting.
I’ve been through many cycles in my OCD. I first started to notice it (at age 16) when I was anxious I’d count to the number 6, when people were talking to me I’d count the words on their face. I always had a weird “superiority” complex that soothed me and made me feel better about my life. I eventually failed at all my attempts to be perfect, because we’re human and definitely not perfect. This led me to drinking very heavily (age 18-21) and having impulsive sex, using sex as a form of self-harm. I hated doing it but I felt like I deserved it.
In an attempt to “correct” these behaviours I got an eating disorder (age 21-current), which was way too easy to accomplish. I still do this, I track every single drop of food that enters my mouth. I weigh food. I also now use working out/running as some type of “perfectionist” thing? I run way too much. I got some health issues related to my under eating and chronic working out.
I felt like I had calmed this, and was finally feeling like everything was nicely balanced out in my life. I met my boyfriend who is an absolute gem of a human being. I was so happy and “balanced”. This past week my negative thoughts have been so overwhelming that I’m realizing NOTHING was balanced at all. I feel a slight tone change or a bigger gap in texting and my brain immediately goes to “something is wrong. I did something. He’s over it. He’s over me. It’s not gunna work out. This won’t do. I can’t accept that! I’m crazy. What more could I want in a partner? Wow I’m anxiety ridden today! Maybe he’s tired of me? I’m too hot to be dealing with this shit! I should ask chat gpt if it also notices his tone change.” On and ON AND ON AND NO END.
And I’m very aware. My boyfriend is just normal person living his life, being very gentle and sweet with me, he’s so caring and so in tune with me. I know what this is. I know it’s OCD. But even the awareness does not stop the thought patterns. I’ll have intrusive thoughts of cheating on him (I will never/HAVE NEVER cheated), getting “revenge” for not texting me, etc.) I’ll go crazy, I’ll want to escape the thoughts and feelings so badly my mind is a constant race between I’m crazy and no he hates me.
But I’m scared. Meditation will change my personality, it’ll make me more unbearable in the transition phase, I’ll be shut off.
I want it to end. I want my brain to stop. It’s so tiring.
Am I normal