u/PartyInternational54

I am a 39M, father of three, and husband to a wonderful and amazing woman. I am also a police officer with almost 14 years experience in a variety of roles to include Patrol, Narcotics, Investigations, Fugitive, School Resource Officer (SRO), and SWAT. I also have OCD. have suffered from OCD for over 20 years. I wanted to share my journey and recovery story to give hope and encouragement to individuals who suffer from this disorder.

My journey with OCD began in high school around my early teenage years with the involvement in sports. It gradually ebbed and flowed over the years with it reaching horrendously bad levels during my college football career. I found myself lost in a complex web of intrusive thoughts and mental rituals in order to prevent whatever calamity OCD was threatening me with. I dabbled in some therapy and learned to more or less manage it on my own over the years. I have battled almost every theme OCD has to offer. It has been bad at times and I have suffered from flareups. Outwardly, I appear to be a high functioning cop and former football player who is happy-go-lucky. However, inside, I have secretly managed an internal battle that has caused significant distress and suffering throughout my life.

In 2013, I began my law enforcement career. I love helping people, answering calls for service, and protecting the community from predators. I have thoroughly enjoyed my career. For the most part, my OCD has been managed well. However, 2 years ago, after an accumulation of traumatic incidents, I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and began experiencing horrifying panic attacks, depersonalization/derealization (DPDR), and would have insomnia so bad I would go days without sleeping at times.

As you can imagine, this flared my OCD up in a way that I have never experienced before: I began experiencing frightening intrusive Harm OCD thoughts, and images. Horrible ego-dystonic thoughts of violence. This scared me more than anything I have ever experienced and felt terrifyingly real. Somehow, God gave me the strength to keep working and performing my job adequately despite the horror show internally.

I sought help. I met with an amazing OCD specialist who helped me so much I can't find the words to thank her. I never engaged in ERP until the past 2 years. It was the scariest experience or my life. I did whatever she told me to do, even the most scary exposure. Many times at work, I would experience a panic attack or DPDR while responding to incidents. When it got real bad, and it did, I thought about my wife, my kids, and love for my community. There were many times I would be laying in my bed clutching the Bible crying my eyes out. I didnt know if I could work anymore. I almost gave up so many times. The Lord continued to give me courage to go on and take one step forward. I remembered Joshua 1:9 from the bible: "This is my command, be strong and Courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go"

I looked into medication, and after trial and error, eventually found 40mg Prozac as a good fit. It has lessened the intensity of the thoughts significantly.

I read a book called Turning Points by former Marine and lawyer, Shannon Shy. He also does peer support and I sought help from him through that as well. His advice and strategies were gamechangers for me. His concepts such as 0=0 (all OCD thoughts have zero value), and the concept of "indifference" to the thoughts became critical to my recovery. All OCD thoughts are meaningless brain noise and NOT a reflection of who you are. They always attack what you value most. Training yourself to not engage with OCD thoughts and to be indifferent to their presence was the most important part of my recovery. It was hard, scary, and took lots of practice. I kept trying and kept moving forward. You are always in control of your choices and actions no matter what thoughts and feelings you have.

I also engaged in vigorous exercise, hobbies and anything I can put my mind to. Long walks, kettlebell workouts (my favorite), spending time in scripture, and continuing to engage with friends and family are key. Avoidance is the worst thing you can do as you are strengthening the fear loop in your brain.

My beautiful wife has been a rock to me throughout our 15 year marriage and had been beyond supportive. I could not have recovered without her love and support.

Lastly, my faith in Jesus Christ got me through it. A few other verses that helped me immensely: 2 Tim. 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline". And 1 Tim. 4:18: "There is no fear in love. but perfect love casts out fear". OCD paints a picture of doom and gloom, the exact opposite of s loving God.

Today I am at a place where I do not fear this disorder. I could care less if the thoughts are there or not. I refuse to stop living my life and will not live in fear. If I can do this, you can too! I hope this helps anyone that is suffering and offers hope. Remember, this disorder has no power over you! The light at the end of the tunnel was once so dark I could barely see it but now I am living an amazing life! I am grateful for this experience as it has made me a better man, husband and police officer. I much more compassionate and empathetic towards those that suffer and want to help anyone I can. Please ask me anything. Many things work, the key is to not ever give up and keep moving forward! You got this!

God bless