It’s over.
There’s really no more of a chance of reconciliation. I’m the betrayed one and yet he’s been dragging me through an emotional roller coaster. The affair is over and I was planning on moving back home so we could work towards reconciliation. He dropped the ball on me that he wants to be alone and to take some time to go to therapy to work through his issues.
His issues include: mommy issues, unresolved grief, abandonment issues, alcoholism and addiction (5+ years sober), pathologically lying, and the list goes on and on.
The unresolved grief is due to an abortion I had 11 years ago when I was 22 because he was in active addiction and alcoholism, and we had only been together 6 months, so I had to do what I did or else I probably would’ve ended up a single mother. He resents me for this and has brought it up maybe 4 times since it happened. He was actively pushing me to have a kid this year and we were trying, but now he says he doesn’t think he can have a kid/family with me due to the resentment.
The last couple of weeks he’s been keeping me on the line saying that he wants to work on things and that he wants me home and to be together and missed me and all that, but now he wants to find a place to live on his own and to essentially act like nothing is wrong between us. I told him that I cannot sit on the sidelines while waiting for him to decide if he wants to choose me.
He said I wouldn’t just give him time, but I would’ve he could guarantee that he’d stay faithful and committed to be, but he could never give me a straight answer. He said he loves me but isn’t in love with me- but that I’m his best friend, we get along great, we live together great, sex is amazing, and we like all the same things (his words). He said he can’t give me the love I want.
He brought up seeing other people then said he doesn’t want to date other people. But then said he does, but isn’t focused on dating. He flat out doesn’t know what he wants.
I asked him if he wants to try and he said in the future but not right now because he wants to focus on himself.
So essentially we’re done done. I can’t try to save our marriage while he’s out there trying to decide if he even wants to put forth any effort into our relationship.
I’m so devastated and heart broken, but I know that I could not go on like this. My nervous system is so fucked. I haven’t eaten in days.