u/Patient-Mortgage-883

I’ve been out since Easter. I was in hardcore for 4 years.
I generally feel SO much better; less shame, less guilt, more time for myself and the things I find joy in.

I have a new neighbor who is in the program, sober 3 years. We walk our dogs together. He doesn’t push me to go to meetings but he says things like “fit spiritual condition” and “wear life like a loose garment”. Today he said the title of this post.

At the time, I was like yeah maybe I could go to a meeting or two and help a newcomer but now, a few hours later, I’m like, I am not obligated to help anyone else. But then I start to spiral into calling myself selfish and isn’t that the root of all my problems.

Please help me. Am I validated in not being obligated?
I feel guilty.

The title is the gist of this.
I was in AA heavy for 4 years. They’re always saying find the person who has what you want.
I went thru about 8 sponsors in those 4 years and made buddies with lots more women.
I keep wracking my brain trying to think of a single one was in a healthy relationship. I can’t come up with a one.
They are all hyper independent, rigorous and scared.

Have you? Have you met anyone in AA who can tout a healthy relationship?

I’ve had trouble with this ear my entire life. When I was young, my parents had me stand on my head, and then stand up real fast, and honestly that would sometimes work.

Now I’m older and my ear is really annoying me. When I open my mouth wide the right ear pops and crackles. When I push at the top of the ear, it sounds like there’s fluid in there.
There is some tenderness in the TMJ region and a little extra warmth in the area.

I think my hearing is okay.

I’ve tried antihistamines, nasal flush, ear drops.

Please help me.

I met this man a few weeks ago. He owns a salt cave in town and offered me a free session. I went yesterday and after the session we sat a talked in the basement of this 1890 building. He pulled out a spirit box which has been gifted to him years ago.
He turned it on, we could hear static, I could faintly hear some talk. He touched the antenna and the radio announcer said, with still lots of static, you did a good job on the book (this man recently wrote a book).

I held the box and the station came in loud and clear. When we turned the knobs to scan other frequencies nothing changed. It stayed strong on the Christian station.

He held the box … quiet.
I held the box … loud and clear.

The last thing the woman said in the spirit box was - “She wants all humans to act more like Jesus”.

Which I laughed whole heartedly at. I’ve thought over the past year how much Jesus was a rabble-rouser and we should all be like that.

I am not a Christian btw.

What’s your take on this?

This was my first experience.

I can’t even. I thought I could go to the local AA fish fry today because why not? I haven’t been in the rooms since Easter. Haven’t burned any bridges and have only told 3 people that I quit AA.

I received an invite so I went.

They stopped mid cookout, had a quiet time and prayed.
This really got my goat and reminded me of why I’m separating myself from the cult.

And! I’m sitting with this couple who just moved in to her childhood home. Beautiful home on land with a pond that backs up to a forest preserve. They tell this story about how “some Hispanics” were walking on their property. Their teenage son went after them “like a pit bull”.

I hate AA.

Conservative racist Christian assholes.

I’m done.

Thanks for letting me get this out.

As I was walking with my dogs yesterday, a mild dilemma popped into my mind. At the same time I realized I don’t have to ask my sponsor!!!

I’ve been out of xA for 2 months, weary, worried, watching my thoughts closely. I’ve been scared because I was an all in for 4 years!!!

In the past 2 months I’ve experienced moments of great joy at the freedom of not having to go to meetings, of not having to root around in the past, of not having to qualify!

I’m happy to have this sub. <— had to stop myself from say “grateful to have found”. Gratitude was shoved so far down my throat the word even makes me want to choke now.

I love this new chapter!
Thank goodness for the cracks in my foundation.

I’m going to go eat right, exercise, love on my dogs, smile at my neighbors and not read the news today.

xo