I'm broken up, engaged, yet I can't stop thinking about him; the guilt is eating me alive.
Tw for domestic abuse and verbal abuse mentions, as well as only a mention of self harm.
Hi, this is something I seriously needed to get off my chest and possibly get advice on.
When I was a teenager, around 17, I met this guy. He was 23, well aware I was still in school and such; already off to a bad start and I thought I was smarter than indulging an adult but I did anyways. He was kind at first, charming, even at times parental. I trusted him with my venting, and he shared his life as well.
But when I would make friends my age, he'd get weirdly possessive and ignore me for days. When he came back, he threatened to leave for good. I have BPD so it was more than harmful to my mental to say the least. Then came the verbal abuse, being told he understood why my dad abused me, that I deserved it, among other things about sensitive topics I opened up about. He'd purposely grab my arm I self harmed on when I made him upset, tugging it and ripping open the healing wounds. He threatened to kill me on occasion, saying his dad killed his mom and it's not far fetch. But even through all that, he was endearing in a way I haven't seen before. For a moment I really thought Id marry him.
We broke up because he cheated on me, and he still harasses me here and there to remind me I'm stupid. I've reported it to police just to be told they can't do anything.
But even after all this, even after I'm happy with my wife; I still deep down want his approval. I want his affection, I want to be the only one he looks at, I want to prove I'm not anything he's saying. I want that parental figure, that boyfriend, the fictional husband in my head I conjured up. I can't stand the thought of him with other people.
Even as I have those deep feelings I love my wife above all. I know I love her and she's perfect; which is why I feel so guilty over these feelings. Is this normal? Should I feel ashamed? I feel too guilty to being it up to people or my therapist. I'm scared of it being taken the wrong way. I don't love him I don't want him, but I can't shake the feeling of needing him. I hope this makes sense.