u/Patient_Tie_5824

Do you ever record your arguments to listen back to make sure you aren’t crazy? 🥲

I can’t tell you how many times I have shared plans, work schedules, etc with my suspected narc husband only for them to be disregarded.

The week of, the night before I always say- “I have to leave at 8:15 tomorrow so please be downstairs so I can leave on time”…. But to him it means get in the shower at 8:10 and not come down until 8:25-8:30 and act shocked that I’m upset. Mind you. I get up every single day with our preschooler and toddler at 6:30 while he just stays in bed. Never helps with the morning routine though I have asked every way to Sunday.

A friend invites me out for dinner? I’m met with comments about how he “always has to do everything”… okay, we all know that’s not true.

Now my sister is having a baby unexpectedly at 37 weeks. Tomorrow, my mom and I are taking her out to lunch and back to her house to deep clean and finishing getting last minute things ready for her as she’s dealing with preeclampsia. We had this planned since last week when I asked him if it would be okay that I would be gone for a few hours. His parents are here for 10 days… figured it would be fine. He said it wouldn’t be a problem and was happy I was doing something fun with my mom and sister.

Well…. Now he is absolutely PISSED that I’m going to be gone. Because he made plans with his parents and forgot I wouldn’t be here. The plans are going shopping 45 minutes away. I think 4 adults can handle two children. But he’s pissed I’m not going basically so he can enjoy himself while we are out. Now that parenting has to fall on him.

He is acting like a fucking baby right now. Huffing and puffing. Slamming plates and cupboards. His mom asked him if he had a stick up his ass because he’s acting so ridiculous. I’m so embarrassed by his behavior.

When he was out of the room, I straight up told his family he “forgot about my plans, but I can cancel if you’d rather go”. They looked at me like I had 5 eyes and said absolutely not and to have a great time.

Just sharing because I know what’s coming… as soon as I go downstairs from putting the kids down, he’s going to huff, puff, and be a jerk about my plans. I’m not giving him the satisfaction of being upset. Not tonight!!!

Update- As suspected, he just laid into me. Basically he is upset that he made plans, forgot about my plans, and had to change his. He thinks it’s “weird” that I’m going to help my sister while his parents are in town and he doesn’t want to “dump our kids on his parents” while everyone is shopping… but he would be there too so he wouldn’t dump them off??? I said that which made a huge fight even bigger. Then he ended it with saying “you always have to portray yourself as some victim”. Yeah because I am the victim here. I’m the victim of emotional abuse.

Please help with grey rocking… I feel like I do well and it’s still not enough. My husband just flips out because I don’t give him any emotions, I’m a robot, I just shut down now. He told me I was worse than a child tonight because I wouldn’t look at him when he was belittling me. How do you push through?

All for stupid reasons. He wasn’t watching our kids, instead scrolling on his phone, which caused a lamp to break, which pissed him off. I asked too any questions about why he’s going to his sisters move in meeting- her dad is going, why the heck does my husband have to go? Probably to get out of child care. I ask questions at the wrong time and overwhelm him. I don’t ask enough questions. I use the wrong tone of voice, I don’t listen or communicate well. It always my fucking fault and I just don’t know what to do. I know leaving is the answer, but I can’t. I am going to start counseling though. Which he says is long over due because my anxiety is out of control and I act like I’m losing it all the time. Maybe because he’s the one who causes my stress?!

*Husband in living room with 14mo son while on his phone looking at Knick playoff tickets*

Me noticing our son isn’t in the room anymore- “Are you watching him? He just walked down the hallway”

Husband- “Yes, I am, stop acting like I can’t watch our kid” in the typical narc tone of voice

*10 minutes later- son now has a small piece of my daughters Legos in his grasp*

Me after standing there for a second knowing my husband isn’t watching him closely “He has a small toy in his hand” in a very calm, probably detached voice knowing what’s coming

Husband- “STOP DEVALUING ME AS A PARENT!!! I’m right here, he’s not putting it in his mouth. Stop with your comments, just shut up!!!! Your anxiety is ridiculous and I’m DONE WITH IT”

…. Then proceeded to belittle me as to how I’m constantly micromanaging. I’m always anxious and can never just relax. He’s not at risk because he hasn’t put it in his mouth “yet”.

This is why I ask…. Because he doesn’t pay attention. He’s to “busy” watching sports or scrolling social media. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened. I either pick my son’s safety or triggering my adult toddler.

I’m so tired of this.

Just now, my husband was in our living room with our 14 month old son. I’m cleaning the kitchen. I stopped in the living room to put some toys back in the bin and saw my son playing with a picture frame. This particular one had a little clip on it so the picture is exposed, along with burlap and rhinestones.

I just observed for a moment, wondering if he just got it and figured my husband would take it from him. Then I realized my husband wasn’t even paying attention because he was watching a video on his phone. So I said politely, “Hey he has the picture frame, can you get that?”

Well you’d think I asked him to do something laborious because he absolutely flipped out that he’s perfectly fine, he’s watching him, there’s nothing wrong. Yet he didn’t even realize I was standing beside him or that our son was chewing on the side of a wooden picture frame??

He berated me that now he’s going to cry when he takes it and I’m cleaning the kitchen so he’ll be stuck with a crying baby, that I’m micromanaging him, etc . Which really means, he’s fussy so I have to give him attention instead of shoving my nose in my phone.

This is ridiculous right?? I was just watching out for my son’s safety??

Things have been quiet and we’ve gotten along well. I’ve been waiting for the inevitable blow up and I’m not shocked it’s starting Mother’s Day weekend lol.

My tone of voice is the problem, the words I say are the problem, my reaction to his comments and hurtful words are a problem. I’m getting the silent treatment and the “nothing” comment when I ask what’s wrong. Never fails to have a blow up at a holiday..

Luckily for me, I’ve decided to get my nails done today and am going to treat myself to lunch. I never get acknowledgment for Mother’s Day and this year I’m just doing it myself.

I am likely done having children, which is so devastating to say, but I can’t do pregnancy and postpartum with my suspected narc husband for a 3rd time. I just shared with him how a coworker started her own keepsake jewelry company and I would like to order a breast milk ring for Mother’s Day. Now…. I’m not asking, I’m telling him because he never gets me a single thing for any holiday.

Of course he spirals into the whole “I have gotten you so many pieces of jewelry and you never wear anything except your wedding ring” saga and now I feel stupid and guilty for even bringing it up. I was so excited about it and now I feel silly buying it. He’s not wrong. I don’t wear anything except my wedding ring. I also work in a special needs school and don’t wear additional jewelry for my safety as well as my students. He also buys me such bizarre jewelry that is not my taste. The items he’s gotten me are wedding earrings, a Celtic ring (we aren’t Irish?), and a fake ring to take on travel trips. That’s it.

Does anyone else experience things like this? You share something exciting or that you’re excited about and then your spouse days something that tanks your excitement??