How do I actually change my life when nothing seems to work?
F19. As a kid I was carefree and had the best time. But as I grew up the colors lost and I started to hate my life, mainly because I knew I was not upto my potential. I remember getting upset watching others get called to stage but I hadn't tried to do anything to go there myself. Back then I didn't care. I just wanted to be an actress. I was average in studies, I don't really have any achievement. Looking back i wish I worked on a skill. I have gotten really ambitious since four years now.
everything fell apart four years ago. When corona came, my dad changed his job and moved to a different city so I was completely new there. And that isolation was brutal for me at that time because it came with this immense loneliness and Realising I have not done anything in my life made me depressrd. After two years everything turned back to normal and I started 11th grade. By then I was already depressed but I didn't know that back then. But i was excited to start school again. Weirdly no matter how much I socialized or tried to have a connection w my classmates they would always have a more important person that they would choose over me. And soon it felt like I was a second option for everyone. I remember crying silently one day at school in class laying my head down and the breakdowns became frequent. Because I felt trapped in my loneliness again but this time i felt so unwanted. I have always had plenty of close friends before that, but those two years of high school were the most loneliest for me.
I shifted to self improvement. I used to wake up at 3am and have a morning routine. My day had everything from gym, skill building, studying, etc. and i was obsessed with getting top grades and I couldnt. Later, the feeling of failing my goals and not having any real connection (my home was toxic) made my depression worse. I had psychology as my subject too and I realised it could that. And i was unsure by then thinking it was burntout. But now I'm a second year student. I can't move out of bed every third day and sometimes it gets worse. And i tried therapy from my uni councellor too but it didn't feel like it helped much because she gave genereic answers which i already knew.
Rn i still want to improve, ik this started as a trauma response but along the way I realized how much I love learning about myself and improving myself. I have stopped trying female friendships all together becauce they all seem close with already another girl best friend. I have been always popular, and everyone is nice to me. I get compliments on daily basis abt my looks and then they just leave like i don't even exist. It's like they see I'm attractive and then move on as if they don't care about me. It does hurt a lot because I can't completely give up when they r nice and i expect everytime things to be different. And I wouldn't say pretty privalage exist for me. For a long time it made me confused. There was a huge fest and I had no one to go with and all the so called friends I made in my class just ditched saying they can't come so I went alone, people came up to me and said i was looking really pretty or complimented on my outfit and then they just left with the group of friends. At this time I feel like im desperate for any relation. I have had plenty of situationships since last year. And the fact they only end up as a situationship is more hurtful. I see myself getting stressful over a guy. Since he's the only source of connection for me. And then they leave me too w/o any clouser. It feels like i almost don't deserve any connection.
My mental health has gotten bad because I couldn't stop myself from failing all my goals I have been having... and this disappointment that stuck with me for performing poorly. And now even if I tried I can't be consistent more than a week cuz of my mental health. And soon my next sem is starting, it feels dreading just thinking about it. I don't want to get out of bed and I don't want to do anything. But despite how things r im still very ambitious. Im also focusing on manifestation again. Im seeking help on my situation. my goals r basically that I need to earn, get fit, some projects like developing a horror game, make close friends.
I would really appreciate your insight.
Thanks for reading