u/PeaPodkid14

i feel like i'm stuck in a cycle but i don't know how to initiate an escape. for the last ~5 years i have been trying to pull my birth-giver out of continuing generational trauma/abuse (including misogynistic, ableist, queer-phobic, etc bigoted learnings) so that she doesn't pass it down to her grandkids (their parents are drug addicts in prison and my parents were the only of our family available to take them into custody). despite years of having met with multiple therapists who have recommended skills to use, and had multiple at-home discussions regarding these issues, there has been dangerously little progress. but she claims otherwise.

so let me put the "progress" into perspective:

last week we did a therapy session where i mostly vented about my sperm donor and why i have stopped talking to him. this covered various issues such as his casual misogyny, weird "i'm the only sane one" superiority/main-character complex, ableism, and textbook abuse such as hitting the grandkids or threatening to abandon them. my therapist made it clear that these behaviors need to stop immediately otherwise the kids will get worse. she even suggested parenting classes, or otherwise giving up the grandkids completely. and at the time my (mom) reciprocated concern, urgency, and overall understanding towards solving the issue at hand.

next day and she immediately reverts back to her regular routine of constant conflict with the kids; yelling, arguing, etc. (think: little connection but lots of correction/criticism.)

then last night i overheard her yelling at the 4 year old for struggling to open a pop-tart, telling him "stop pulling it like a girl".

now imagine that, but over the course of those 5 years: we address issues, she promises change, we learn skills, she reverts the next day, cycle repeats.

i get it. she's old, retired, uneducated, and doesn't retain information very well. unlearning deeply engrained toxic traits does not happen overnight. however, she has been constantly reminded that she has two grandkids under her care who she and her husband have already damaged during their most formative years. they will not get these years back. it's up to her whether or not things improve.

but she does not get it. she keeps comparing herself to me, saying that her pushback against unlearning abuse is no different than my pushback against wanting to live. (such as expressions of apathy and anhedonia)

i don't know how to tell her that i just don't dream of 'work', i don't even dream of the rewards of work like stable income, independence, relationships, or freedom. i do not dream of a future at all because i've planned to never have one since i was 13. and i wish i could quit the duo therapy appointments too, because i've gotten to a point where i don't even care the relationship with my parents improve or not. it means nothing to me. if i give them a chance i'm being too demanding and sensitive about what's abusive. if I don't give them a chance i'm "cruel" and "evil" for not accepting them when they were "clearly trying their best".

got into a conversation with my mom about an unnecessary dispute i overheard from my bedroom. my 8 year old niece went to my mom and asked, "is there any more spicy ramen left?" my mom answers no. my niece goes "aw man" and then walks off to check the pantry, but my mom immediately lashes out on my niece. turns out mom feels personally attacked by my niece's decision to check anyways, because it's like she's indirectly being called a liar. so i ask if she's ever lied to niece about food, but she says no.

i explain that either, one, my niece has been lied to in the past and feels distrustful towards her words, or two, she understands that sometimes people unintentionally give incorrect information. yet my mom still finds it ridiculous and disrespectful.

but guess what?

for one, all the adults in my house have a habit of hiding away portions of food for ourselves. when the 'public' portions are done, we may ask others if they have any and if they're willing to share. AND FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE, i've realized my mom would rather lie and say she doesn't have any, than tell me she just doesn't want to share. so she's done this to my niece before, got caught, and now my niece doesn't trust her. she also believes it doesn't count as lying. shocker.

and for two, she's old. her memory sucks. she'll say stupid stuff that doesn't even add up. sometimes that results in 20 minutes of accusing someone of stealing something that she misplaced, and other times it's... forgetting we have spicy ramen left.

so like i stated, this dispute was entirely unnecessary. my niece got yelled at and called disrespectful, my mom never apologized, and then when i talk to her about it she has the audacity to ask, "well if (niece) thinks i'm untrustworthy then why does she even come to me?"

what kind of question even is that? she's 8. her parents are in prison and her current guardians are incompetent old farts who are mentally still in the "spare the rod, spoil the child" and "child should be seen, not heard" era. i could go on about the worse things she's done, but this was irking me so bad i had to get it now. just entirely petty and immature, ugh.