SOS! I need help! TW suicide attempt
**Sorry in advance for the long post! But please read if you have any experience with an attempt from your SO and have insight**
I am truly at a loss for the correct way to handle what happened this weekend. Brief backstory for context: My BPSO and I have been married for 30 years. They have been hard years. Our 26yo is also bipolar. And we have a teenager who now suffers from anxiety, depression… all of the things due to the episodes and lack of stability.
My husband has been cycling for a good while now. Hyper-focused on our relationship growth after a huge set back a year and a half ago where he got physical with me yet again. We haven’t shared a bed/bedroom since that point. He hasn’t fulfilled his end of things re therapy etc. While we do get along some of the time, he also goes back to that person who constantly starts fights, picks me apart, is constantly moving the bar and being contradictory on what his expectations are from me. And I’m not talking big things- I’m talking about some days it’s ok for me to scroll on my phone and he watches a movie that I’m not into but other days it’s seen as me being aloof and distracted. It has gotten so overwhelming for both me and my son (he doesn’t do this to him at all but it gives my son anxiety). We feel like we are walking on eggshells. He doesn’t realize that these attacks are setbacks that aren’t allowing for me to let down walls and are only securing them in place. He goes between anger and despair about it. I had truly gotten to my wits end and know that this is no life for my son. Of course, any talks about anything re his mental health is taboo. And I’m blamed for always putting issues on bipolar instead of taking the blame for our problems. All the promises of being a team and transparent with his doctor… gone. So I told him that I was going to have to make a change and we needed to be apart. He refused to leave and said for me to get a lawyer and make him. I told him that I would have to have time to do that but I couldn’t continue every day being an issue so I would obtain a TPO. He continued to cycle between harassing me, ignoring it and being sad. Friday he was very amped up and I was uncomfortable with his anger. I just felt that something was off more than usual. We had gone back and forth over text arguing but me not pushing too much because I had a sense of something. He came home, asked me if I wanted to come outside or if I wanted to watch on the Ring camera. I ran to lock the doors, got my son and I heard a gunshot. The entire world froze. We didn’t know if he had done it or not and I was terrified to check the porch camera. The gun had jammed. He fired a shot at the ground after reloading it and then it jammed again. He left his phone on the porch and took off into the woods for hours. When I tell you that we felt like we were in a horror movie for the rest of the night- I mean that whole heartedly. I spoke with a relative and a friend. The last time we had something similar to this, the good old boys at the sheriffs office didn’t help. They simply asked him if he was still suicidal and when he said nope, they blamed me for pushing him to feeling that bad. And left. So I didn’t feel like I could call them again. We also had a horrible experience with my son being placed on a 1013 hold and sent to a facility that went very wrong. We live on a very large wooded plot of family land and he was in the woods forever and then decided to burn the trash pile but we had no clue if was truly just an every day chore he was checking off or if he was going to burn down the house. I put extra locks on the doors that lock from the inside, put dark blankets on all open windows so he couldn’t see in. He went on our back deck, grilled himself some dinner. Meanwhile, we are creeping around the house scared to do anything. Too many murder/suicides have been on the news lately and he has been so much farther out in his thinking that we truly didn’t know what to expect. Since then he has gone back and forth between being apologetic, feeling horrible, saying he will make a plan to move and then jumping back into it being my fault for not letting down walls and saying I pushed him to this. He has not been coming inside the home with us. He’s been staying in the outside “mancave”. He asked for a bit of time to just get his bearings and find a place to stay. At our age, you can’t just couch surf as easily so I gave him the ok.
I have no clue what to do, though. I don’t know how to get my son through this, other than his own counseling. I feel horrible because I know this is a disease and that he isn’t him when this happens but I feel like we have gone into territory now that I cannot allow me or my son to be exposed to. He is baffled that we felt like we were in danger. He has both felt horrible about it and then mocked me. He has a doctor appt first of the month but I tried to talk to him today to tell him I was going to reach out to tell her about the episode and get advice on what is needed now that the ideation has passed. I tried to put it as gently as I could. I assured him that I didn’t think he would be placed on any mandatory holds at this point (though I think he may need it) and that I wouldn’t get into the circumstances that led up to this without him being a part of the call. He has gone ballistic. He is extremely angry and saying that I’m just trying to destroy him and that I better tell her that I caused it. Just attack after attack. He’s saying that I am robbing him of peace, making it about me and my feelings and acting as if I am pushing him towards it again. I know is just a way of controlling me through fear and that bipolars hate being outed.
But what DO I DO??? I hate feeling this lost and terrified of choosing the wrong road and it having more negative effects on my son. I have made mistakes before in taking my husband back after episodes and dealt with resentment from my kids and guilt on my end. There is no rule book for this. Do I let him wait for the appt and have him just continue to stay away and let it just be his issue now and wipe my hands of his mental health? Do I speak to his doctor even though it will bring more wrath from him before he comes out of this storm even if I don’t think I can see myself staying eith him? I feel like I NEED the professional guidance here. But I just don’t want more drama. I am alone and scared but responsible for another person and that person deserves so much more than this shitshow from his parents. How have y’all handled attempts? Has anyone been able to come back from this? I don’t think I can… but I hate looking at life without him.