u/Perfect_Ending7

3 weeks ago my partner went back on something he agreed to and sprung on me some very sudden demands that meant I was vulnerable financially and would have a larger burden placed upon me with my job and housework. It was the opposite of what we agreed and had big consequences for me.

I got very distraught as I felt he deceived me and I told him to sleep downstairs and not come to bed that night. That was 3 weeks or so ago and we have barely spoke since. He is almost impossible to talk to so I usually leave him (takes him a week or more to cool down) but he hasn’t cooled down this time. I am aware this is very unhealthy but there is just no talking to him at all unless he is ready.

I went to him an hour ago to try to communicate and take accountability to whatever I did wrong and hope he would do the same. None of it mattered because dragged up something I said previously and added another sentence to it, so it meant it was not what I said or the way I said it and it changed the context completely. He also swears blind that I told him to move out but I genuinely have no memory of that.

I still apologised if I did say to move out despite me making it clear I don’t remember. And with the other thing I stood my ground and refused to accept the first part because I know 100% I didn’t say that bit. I said I’m happy to talk about it some more but he got even angrier shouting NO!!!! Again and again.

He said unless I ADMIT to saying it then I am avoiding the truth and will ‘never change’ so he kept shutting me down and told me my sorry is nothing unless I admit to it.

How can I admit to something I genuinely don’t remember saying.. and then admit to a part of a sentence I know was not true and I never said. He has declared it the truth so I have to admit or it’s over for good he said (20 years and 3 kids later)

He was just shouting at me louder at this point and I tried to be calm and the adult despite all he did and how impossible it is to talk to him. I am the only one of us apologising and trying to have open dialogue, and trying to do things better. Despite this if I brought up anything he did wrong he called me a ‘professional victim’ and said I’m just blaming him for everything and refusing to change.

It’s not the first time he has added things on and claimed I’ve said things I haven’t. In contrast he will deny things I know he’s said. I don’t know if he genuinely believes what he says or if he is just acting like a child but I am utterly exhausted. I want to try work things out but even if I say sorry despite not remembering something he declared true it’s not enough. I have to ADMIT I said it and ADMIT to lying despite it not being true.

Please tell me this isn’t normal? I feel anxious and scared like this is all my fault but I’m going to be so angry at myself if I have to pretend I lied and re-apologise so he will agree to talk to me. I desperately prefer working things out.

I have been in a 20 year relationship with my partner (never married - I’m still waiting 🙄) and we have 3 children. It’s suited us over the years that I stay at home to raise them and take care of the household chores. I gave up my own career prospects to support his career path and be available for our family.

Over these years we have had a mix of everything due to changing circumstances - both not working, just him working, both of us working and no matter what the work situation, ALL of the childcare falls on me and 98% of all domestic labour.

The last few years he’s landed a high paid job, and I started work as a carer on carers allowance which unfortunately isn’t well paid at all. I expressed interest in a career being a police officer quite some years ago and initially he said he supported it but then said he would leave me if I became one because police ‘cheat all the time’ on their partners so I didn’t bother. Between us we do not struggle financially at all and I still get up at 5.50am daily to get myself ready, bring him a cup of tea in bed, then get the kids up for school, morning chores, school run, work, come home to do more chores, cook dinner, sort out kids homework etc and many other things and then crash out in bed. If I’m lucky he will hoover the floor before bed, but he forgets a lot and this has only been something he has begrudgingly started doing for the past 3 months.

He works 8.30am - 3pm from home and often takes an hour or two mid day to go for a stroll or whatever he wants to do because it’s a relaxed job in which he is very lucky. He then mostly lays in front of the TV once work is done, in contrast to my day carrying on early morning to night, or even through the night if our youngest is unwell.

He has started with resentment for me because his wages cover pretty much all the bills since he earns drastically more than me and said he doesn’t want to have to support me and I should be equal and pull my weight. This obviously hurt because I’ve always physically done the most - I just have rather earned less or nothing at all for the hard work and sacrifice I gave for our family. He doesn’t recognise my care job as a job at all and basically told me I do barely anything and have an easy life, calling me unemployed despite me being paid (poorly)

He wants me to get another job on top of being a carer too (which he doesn’t recognise at all as work) so he isn’t burdened by me and I feel like this is just making my life even harder and more exhausting. I am already burned out and stressed. He promised to be more 50/50 if I do this with the kids and house but I’ve no reason to believe him since even with a better paid job before and any other situation I’ve been in he’s never helped me 50/50, and if he doesn’t see the hard work I put in already and all I do domestically then he never will, and I’ll always go unacknowledged which is a massive slap in the face. I feel it’s just another trap for me to give even more of myself with virtually no help.

I feel like an equal partnership with him is completely impossible. We have barely spoken in weeks because I told him I will not abandon the person I care for or take on yet another job when he already isn’t respecting me or anything I have done or sacrificed for him all these years. We don’t need the money and aren’t struggling so I see no reason to get yet another job, not even sure where I would find the time on top of all my other responsibilities.

Is this what a so called equal partnership looks like? How does it look like for you guys? I’m too exhausted and don’t feel like I want any partnership with anyone ever if this is how it is. I’ve given up the chance of a career and the best years of myself wearing myself thin for everyone else to thrive without so much as a thank you.