i tried to kill myself yesterday
Hi. I'm a 27F in law school living with parents.
In my family, im a complete loser. And in my attempt to die, I realized I truly was a loser.
I failed (straight Fs) an entire semester of undergrad before covid put us in lockdown and had to take 2.5 years off from school before returning and finishing my undergrad degree. So I took twice as much time to graduate than my peers. I was premed, but I realized soon in undergrad that I didn't want to be doctor, told my parents what I was truly interested in and was called a selfish, stupid, bitch. After that I went into shock mode which ended up causing depression and anxiety as I tried to hang on to the thread of premed leading to my semester of Fs.
I hid this from parents and came home during covid under the guise that its online classes. I then lied and went back to school to finish my degree, was subsequently caught the semester I was going to graduate. I then told my parents I wanted to study law because I thought it would be the best alternative to continuing med school because I didn't want to disappoint them. And ultimately, I wanted to be a part of their American Dream. But I am struggling because it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. My mom became paranoid after finding about hiding my grades and going back to school, so she calls me a piece of lying trash loser every single day, micromanages my school account, assignment, grades, and life in general. She told me she'd rather me dead because she's embarrassed of my law school's name not having prestige reputation and because I graduated undergrad late. I've tainted and made her life living hell.
And as much as I know I deserve this loss in life and autonomy, a part of me was dying and I was slowly regressing back to that period of shock, depression, and anxiety. Which culminated in the decision to just end it all because I felt so much like what she was calling me.
BUT, in some twisted fate, I chose the hottest and most humid day this month in my state to decide to burn coal and try to die in the car because its supposedly a more peaceful way to pass.
I ended up staying alive despite nearly 30 minutes of CO inhalation because my car ended up being a Sauna so my sweat particles were producing just enough O particles to keep me alive.
No, I don't think I have brain damage because I just a had a small headache that went away after rehydrating myself.
I was incredibly lucky. And I take this as a sign from God that perhaps I'm more than what my mom thinks of me and what I've come to perceive of myself as. I'm truly a loser because the one choice I MADE for MYSELF to die didn't even work out. And I realized in that moment, I've never made a choice in my life without considering my mom or dad or having them be a factor. I've never made a choice for myself on my own will that wasn't something I had to do or did for someone else. I never made a truly autonomous choice. So I lost physical autonomy through my mom's micromanagement, but I lost myself in allowing other to make choices for me. And this what was Im eating me inside out.
So, I made the choice that night with tears running down my face that I wanted to live and the first step would be to get out of this toxic environment. It may have taken a long time to get here, and maybe im old and behind, but im taking actions to realize this choice and I've never been more scared but free feeling.
In the aftermath of my attempt, I couldn't air out the car sooner than my mom returning from work. So I decided that cleaning out the car would be next day task. My sister ended up using the car in the evening and asked if I smoked and I told her no, but that I had tried to die. She came home and hugged me. Probably the first hug I've ever had in nearly 10 years. We hugged for a minute and just cried. And I realized that my life isn't as small and that there are still people who care.
I also know that my mom acts this way because she believes perhaps she knows I have more potential in me that I haven't been able to bring out. And I'm realizing that's because I keep trying to attain things that aren't suited for me and not something I chose to do.
This was a long, messy rant. But I wanted to put this somewhere because maybe someone else will read this tonight and realize they too should make the decision, the choice, to live.