As much as I wanted to kill myself, I can’t.
I have my family. They’ve always been there for me. Siguro dahil kapatid nila ako, they’ll continue supporting me no matter how disappointing I turned out to be.
I tried ending my life once, pero hindi naging successful. The rope snapped. At nakita ko kung gaano sila nawasak. I saw the pain in their eyes.
I tried therapy. I tried faith. Pero at the end of the day, nandito pa rin ako. Still carrying this constant feeling na parang wala akong kwentang tao.
The pressure. The failures. The feeling of not being enough. Kahit maliliit na bagay. The way people treat others differently. Yung feeling na isolated ka, left out ka, parang hindi ka belong. Maybe ako nga ang problema.
Hindi naman siya malaking bagay noon. Pero when things keep happening over and over, naiipon sila. Hanggang sa mabigat na pala.
What’s really keeping me here is my father.
I saw him cry once. Yung strong, strict father na kilala ko, umiiyak dahil sa ginawa kong pagtatangka na mawala. That image never left me.
And honestly, hanggang ngayon dala ko pa rin yung thought na yun.
Maybe kapag mapayapa na siyang mawala, susunod na rin ako.
Not by accident. By choice.
Until then, I’ll keep walking this path I know, carrying this weight, this heaviness, every single day.