3 Pelvic Organ Prolapses + Self Image
I’ve had 3 pregnancies in 4 years (1 D&C, 2 vaginal births). I was diagnosed with a stage 2 cystocele, stage 1 rectocele, and stage 1 uterine prolapse at 6 weeks postpartum. At about 3 weeks postpartum I felt immense pressure and a bulge. I now have a pessary that I wear when I’m awake & take out when I sleep. I technically “graduated” PT but still struggle with pressure and pain, especially around ovulation and after increased exercise.
Pre-children, I lived at the gym. I loved to move my body. Now I am so defeated. I’m carrying about 40 extra pounds, and I feel like if I’m more active than I need to be I’ll risk worsening any of my prolapses. But I hate myself so much, I can’t stay this size forever. I feel stuck, and so incredibly ugly.
I’ve been debating a surgery of some kind, but I keep seeing horrible things happening during the recovery stages from other women on Reddit. I just want to feel healthy again, like a person again. I miss my hobby of exercise and having it FEEL like something. Breathing in different positions and slow, intentional movements for my pelvic floor just make me feel so stupid and useless. I want to feel strong again.
I’ve also been dealing with a smell lately that I guess can be common with a cystocele. I’ve ordered medication to hopefully help, but I’m at a loss sexually as well. Between feeling like an ugly blob I also don’t feel confident vaginally. When my husband initiates anything I can feel myself just wanting to vomit. I loathe myself. This is ruining my life, and I’m only 10 months postpartum now.
How do women come back from this? How do you live your life without a weird sense of shame that you’re broken?