I (22f) still think about a guy (22m)from the past. Need advice?
I won’t be able to explain it all, it’s too long. when i was 17 my friend group and a group of boys from my town used to talk and hangout. Myself and one guy let’s call him J talked all the time online. I enjoyed talking to him, I would get excited to see his name pop up on my phone. He later confessed to liking me, but I never thought of it being more than friends. My friends made us kiss for a pic, everyone shipped us together, I would get mad at them for it.
After maybe a good few months of constant talking, he confessed his feelings, and I said I just wanna be friends as we were both so young, it felt too soon for a relationship, we were both 17. He then started to treat me differently, after the rejection, which I called him out for. Anyway we then kinda started to bicker. So I left him on open and thought in my head a one month break would be good. As days went by I thought about him all the time, I missed him, that’s when I developed feelings and realised I liked him.
A month goes by I reach out to him and tell him I thought a break would be good for us, and said I missed talking to him, he said he missed talking to me too. Time went on and I felt it still wasn’t the same. I think I left him on open again. I don’t blame him for being annoyed about that 😂. Anyway I started to hear things from people that he was talking to a new girl, I was jealous. I felt sick, I remember a time of not eating food, I lost some weight, and created a breakup playlist on Spotify I would listen to all the time, some of the words hit so hard it would make me feel sick and sad. Sometimes, I’d cry before bed, I really really missed him. Never felt this for a boy before. Top songs - billie eilish ‘wildflower, the greatest, L’amour de ma vie’. I remember my first girls holiday, thought about him all the time, tried to loose my vcard then, thinking of him. My friends never realised I really liked him so much, I never really said it to them, only one girl, my closest friend I cried too. J and the girl only went out for a month, but I remember my first time seeing her in a nightclub, she was very nice to me, came up on the dance floor and danced w me briefly. I never seen the two of them together that night, but I did get with a lad who J didn’t like and I remember on the dance floor looking over the crowd and locking eyes with J, while I was with this other guy, but all I wanted was him.
Anyway when they broke up, one month later, he started texting me again. I think I was annoyed he thought he could just come back to me again. I had just started college at that time. J came up to Dublin for a night out, he asked to stay at mine, but I was in digs, I was looking forward to seeing him. That night was fun, we went outside for some privacy, I really wanted to have a deep convo with him, and I tried starting the conversation about can we talk about us, but he was quite, probably tryna see what I was gonna say, although I was drunk I didn’t wanna be the first to open up, as I was still mad he left me for another girl. So we never got to speak about us, no deep convo. Anyway that same week I started talking to another boy and persuaded this other boy, maybe because I didn’t want to give into J as he went a dated a girl. Myself and the boy went out for over a year, J never left my mind, which I feel guilty for, I never got excited with my ex the way I did w J, then me and my ex ended up living together so that’s why it went on for long, felt like I was in a contract.
Since January this year J started going out with a girl I know. Me and my ex just broke up, is it bad that I hope J breaks up with the girl and one day we can talk again. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did it go? Some other bits I want to add, I always got along with his friends, and my friends always liked him. My friends still like to talk about when we all used to hangout. My feeling for j has never left. He always kept me in his Snapchat private story.