u/Philosopherror

Could use some insight from folks that may have experienced the same thing:

My partner is in a PMDD window. Her typical with PMDD - it’s either low energy/complete avoidant behavior or it’s full on emotional attack. I’m thankful I don’t have the latter right now but the former isn’t exactly better.

I’m trying. I’m by no means perfect but I’m trying. What’s killing me is a new comment of “I don’t have time for you”. That by itself is probably something I could shrink and handle but I’m watching her spend energy on other things.

Recently she watched a movie. A movie we planned to watch together for our next virtual date night. That’s another thing I could shrink and handle but she watched it with her ex. The dynamic for that is a whole convo in and of itself but the 2 of them live together and co parent- im understanding because it’s best for the kids and kids have to take priority (I have a child myself). I digress.

I’m really struggling with the idea that I’m not worth her energy when she barely has any for herself but any moment she comes above water I’m not a thought. It’s very easy to cast your long distance partner aside and I’m really feeling that. I’m scared it’s becoming habit. It’s becoming too easy.

Anyone else have this happen? Is it something you did and it just took time to figure out you caused it all along? Is it fixable? This hurts a lot to not feel chosen. It hurts even more to know you’re not worth anything.

This post is mainly for me. Need to vomit this stuff out of my brain. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know it won’t help. I know it doesn’t matter. I know I just need the therapy of it.

I love you. I just don’t like you.

I’m so tired of shrinking. I’m so tired of double standards. I’m so tired of being able to set my watch to the monthly abuse you refuse to take any accountability for. I’m so tired of my needs being disregarded. I’m not asking for anything more than the minimum. If the goal was make me feel like I’m not worth it then you won.

I get it. It sucks. You know it’s coming and I can’t imagine the feeling of helplessness but Jesus fucking Christ can you try something different? Can you take any advice? Hell this entire subreddit is full of some useful information and you scoff at it as if it’s either beneath you or couldn’t possibly be you.

It’s not. You’re worse. At least some folks here acknowledge the pain they cause. You? You just set some double standard and ask me to shrink to fit it. Blame everyone but yourself and then withhold love like a petulant child.

I used to like me. I genuinely don’t anymore. I’ll take my own accountability on that but I’d be lying if I said you weren’t partly the cause. I fell in love with you because you made the hard things soft. The soft things interesting. You made me feel like I wasn’t a nuisance in your life. Well…most of your life. Roughly half of each month. Assuming that other half wasn’t you hyper focusing cheap dopamine by doomscrolling social media then when PMDD hits giving me a world of shit for not giving two fucks about trivial bullshit.

I’ve changed my job. Abandoned friends. Isolated myself so that you could feel at ease and you still want more. Had to accept you being comforted by your ex. Back rubs and holding hands and heads on shoulders while you sleep in the same fucking bed. Being told if I didn’t come down to see you at a frequency you were happy with you may need to have your needs met by him. Constantly asking for more. Not more. You want less of me rather. I can’t shrink more. I don’t even recognize myself lately.

Hope you read this. Hope some of the subtleties give me away and you get mad since PMDD is about 48 hours away and maybe this will be the time you blow up, fuck your ex husband again, ask me to change 50 things because you can’t take an ounce of accountability and if I’m lucky you leave me because for some stupid reason I can’t leave you.

I love you. I just don’t like you. I’m not sure how long I haven’t liked you for. Probably the same amount of time you made it clear you don’t respect me.

I love you. I shouldn’t but I do. I wish I had my old life back. It wasn’t great but at least I could look in the mirror and not be disgusted by this life of compromises I make so that you’d stick around. Anyways. Time to mentally prepare myself for the next PMDD window.

To all of you sharing your stories, pain, progress and suggestions with others you have no idea how many lives you’ve saved including mine.

To those of you with PMDD that just outright refuse to take accountability im sorry for what you’re going through and I love you I just don’t like you.