u/PickImpressive8614

i have amenorrhea which is induced from being underweight (slash malnutrition? my labs don’t indicate that so idk) and i hope to have a dexa scan to know specifically if my body fat is too low or if it can be linked to other factors -

however, for the time being, i am aware i can under eat fat because i hate the sensory feeling of oil in my food and i dont like the taste of nuts so i pretty much only source it from avocado (i dont eat animal products so not from dairy etc either - although i do love tofu which has a good amount of fat)

i have been thinking, if my amenorrhea is related to not consuming enough fat, i wonder if a keto diet could push me to having more fat devoid of my aversion and if my meals became 50/50 protein and fat (ik it’s more complex than 50/50 but u get my point lol) if that may help restore my period.

obviously i know this isn’t a doctor subreddit or anything but i didn’t know if anyone might have anecdotal information or thoughts - ive heard it can reverse pcos-induced amenorrhea because of re-stabilizing hormones and things of that nature so idk how it might apply to my situation

for a little context , i’ve had binge eating behaviors since childhood. parents never told me to stop eating, let me have way too many portions than what was healthy for my age, and i was an athlete so it was “ok” until covid hit and i stopped sports, gained a bunch, continued binging, then my parents realized it was a problem (more so the weight gain than the disorder lol) but still didn’t get me help

for a short period a couple years ago i somewhat recovered but in the same year developed osfed / restrictive ed and later bulimia behaviors

in present day i struggle with binging on shit like greek yogurt, tubs of spinach, raw tofu, stalks of celery, canned beans, canned tomatoes, carrots, raw potatoes, low calorie bread, anything protein related, god- fruit is a bad one, raw vegetables, even frozen vegetables, spoonfuls of monk fruit, gallons of almond milk, you name it

in past months i didn’t really have problems with binging on “unhealthy” foods but more recently i find myself binging on stuff like general baking stuff ill have in my house, mostly cakes i’ll bake for others, chocolate chips, peanuts, dates, but all of those were one time instances

recently i had a scare related to bulimia-behaviors that made me more committed to stopping that, but ever since i’ve stopped, my binges have just been getting worse and worse

before i even begun binge eating regularly i had begun volume eating which i think extends my problem even further back because my fullness signals are very very severely damaged i believe. i mean, it has been like that since i was a kid, i’ve always been able to eat abnormal portions without feeling even relatively full. there has only been a couple times when i was restricting consistently enough that i believe my stomach shrunk so that large portions made me feel uncomfortable, but then that clashes with when i need to eat maintenance calories to stop dropping weight which then triggers my BED all over again.

not that it really matters but just for context i guess, the only time i feel “safe” from binging is when im restricting. i do believe it to be a direct coping mechanism from binging. problem is i begin dropping too much weight and am already suffering from amenorrhea. and i have even gained 10 lbs from my lowest weight thinking it would help but actually that’s what triggered this 3 month binge episode to begin with. anyways, once i begin trying to eat maintenance calories to keep my weight stable, it’s very triggering having to eat multiple times a day or large volumes to meet maintenance. i am only “safe” when i think about food not at all. once i begin having to think about it and intentionally eat - all hell breaks loose.

finally, to the point of my post, in recent weeks, my binges have been getting worse and worse, and i’m very scared. i remember sometime in summer 2024 i went out to a theme park and estimated my cals around 3500 and considered that a super severe binge. like, unrecoverable. i couldn’t believe i had so much. then, it became a point a few weeks ago where my binges would average 3000 cals, and that didn’t seem so big a number anymore. it was almost the norm that i’d calculate each day. then, some days it’d go up to 4000. then 5000. then, there have been days (eg yesterday/today) where i haven’t bothered counting but i know was nearing 7000. me a couple years ago would never have imagined that much is even possible, but now i find myself after binges in excruciating pain, waking up with my ribs in pain from the expansion, my stomach and back being so sore from being so stretched, and me regularly scared that my stomach will rupture, i will sleep through the night and wake up in just as much pain as i was when i went to sleep

this is mostly a vent post because my behaviors are increasingly getting worse and i am in fact afraid of the consequences, if one day i take it too far, every single day im afraid ive taken it too far

as for treatment, stuff like “no restriction” doesnt help because then i just develop the bulimia behaviors all over again when i eat to the point of actual stomach-rupturing pain and “need” to engage in those behaviors like genuinely for my safety

btw, i feel like no one talks about the physical look after a binge. because i am underweight i think it looks exaggeratedly eerie but its like my entire torso expends into an outward stretching block, stretching out beyond the front and sides of my ribs, and the pressure from my stomach makes my ribcage wider from top to bottom as well. its fucking eerie looking in the mirror seeing all of my limbs and head be thin seemingly stuck on to this block of a stretched and abused torso. it makes me sick.

(btw idk why but i feel the need to mention this to make me more valid ? lmao but previously at another point in my BED a couple years back i did have a hw that classified me as overweight - i gained ~30 lbs in 2 months during that time before developing my restrictive ed/osfed)

i’ve worked with a binge eating specialized therapist earlier this year for around four months but i felt we were going in circles and he utilized DBT which i didn’t feel was helpful because it centers around the middle path or whatever and essentially controlling urges with the mind but like, that just .. isn’t helpful

i told him i wanted to center in on the origins of this disorder to my childhood but we never really did that and he was the single only therapist i found specialized in BED

other therapists i met with who specialized in the umbrella of eating disorders told me shit like “worrying about dental decay from bulimia is fear mongering” and “not to worry about it” (lmfao), to “eat regularly”/not restrict, to gain weight, don’t have fear foods, you know, unhelpful shit like that

bottom line i regularly eat so much that it makes me scared for my life and i need a good therapist who can really go into the roots of my BED but i have yet to find that

dbt seems to be the new thing but it really is not helpful in my case at least as far as i know it

ps i am only 18 and have been struggling with ongoing BED since around 14, beyond the behaviors since childhood. my fear is only increased by the things i am probably doing to my body right now that will affect me in the long term.

anyways yeah that’s all im scared im tired i want help cant find help lol keep me in ur thoughts thank u