As the title says, I suffer from hyper-sexuality due to being SA’d at 4 years old.
I need advice on how to handle and deal with this because there are not many people I can talk to about it. Any advice would be appreciated
To give some context, I was SA’d at 4 years old Which led to me developing hyper-sexuality as a coping mechanism.
Obviously this has been very difficult for me as a Catholic as it keeps me in Mortal sin. The shame does not help either as it only causes me to spiral deeper.
So I am questioning how God views me in all this, as someone who wants to please God but struggles with these sins of the flesh. I am at a loss and just want to be better.
To give some background to this question:
TW
I was abused for about 15 years by my father, both physically and emotionally. I was also SA’d by another adult male when I was 4 years old. Given this, I have a very adverse view to any adult male, especially those in authority.
Given that God is viewed as a father and a “figure” in a role of authority I find it very difficult to trust Him. Rather than believing he loves me, I view him how I viewed my father, someone who wants to punish me, wants me to suffer and takes enjoyment out of it.
I have built this wall between me and God, where logically I know he loves me, and he has proven it multiple times, but i don’t actually believe it. So I don’t let him love me if that makes sense? Ive been through RCIA and been confirmed but no matter how much I learn I still avoid Him and treat him as someone I beg mercy for when I mess up and then live on Ice in case of the next mess up
So how do I actually let Him love me?