u/PlanStraight7532

I have been estranged from my parents for 6 months. It started after a falling out with my mother, which then grew to include my father as well. I did a deep dive into my family dynamics and realised I had outgrown their old rules and I predicted this rift was potentially permanent.

But when I discovered that they were also going to drop my children (their only grandchildren and who they previously had a great relationship with) something dawned on me….I had a third option

Before this, it was either accept their way of living or break free and carve my own without them. But then I realised “what if can accept them as they are, and I don’t need them emotionally anymore”. This is kind of hard to articulate/explain but it’s like before my inner child was still searching for them to love, treat and respect me the way I felt I deserved and when they didn’t, I felt abandoned/hurt/invisible. But through this process I learned who I was and that THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE, and I can accept that. Our relationship wasn’t terrible, it has really good parts as well and through this thinking we can recover what we had and I can stop looking for something that doesn’t exist.

According to AI it’s called radical acceptance. And it’s my third option. Almost like my inner child doesn’t need them anymore and therefore I can sustain the way we lived before. It doesn’t mean I’ll revert to my old perfectionist/people pleasing ways, I’ll still hold true to who I am and I won’t try to control what they think of me anymore.

What do you think of this?

I don’t know where to start. For context, I’m the eldest parentified daughter 35F, people pleaser perfectionist that always had a sense of being invisible and to over perform for everyone else and be carful of everyone else’s feelings. I have two children. I’ve long identified my parents as being emotionally immature with elements of narcissism and maybe BPD. Things were always “great” so long as I didn’t break any of the rules or hurt anyone’s feelings. Well, I broke the rules now.

I had a last and final blow up fight with my mother 6 months ago (I started confronting her 2 years ago and it never ended well) and this time she walked away and gave me the cold shoulder like usual. But this time, I didn’t go after her.

The silence continued for 2.5 months - she sent an apology email. I didn’t read it, I wasn’t ready. I followed my instincts for the first time. Well that got me in trouble. This labeled me the stubborn and unreasonable one.

A month later, I had a birthday party for my second child and added on a gender reveal for my third pregnancy. I didn’t invite my mother, I didn’t trust her there, I chose my self. Yes I decided to be selfish. I knew this was going to cause punishment in some form. This move caused my dad to turn on me, he closed the door through a text message to me. Saying how being excluded to the party has made him relook at me (he was invited btw but said he couldn’t go without my mother)

Now my entire extended family, grandmother aunts uncles and cousins (who all live out of province) have all jumped on the band wagon of “well why wasn’t I invited, what did we ever do to her”. I tried to explain to my grandmother that it wasn’t a deliberate punishment to them, that it was only about my mother and the event was a small event for local friends and family. I’ve never invited extended family to birthday parties before and it’s never been a problem. But she’s not hearing me, she just keeps cycling in her pain and that she thought I was punishing her. So I broke another rule.

Not a single person has reached out to me ask what’s up. They all live on assumptions and worst conclusions. They haven’t wondered “oh that’s weird for her, I’m going to check in” They just love to play the victim card and stay there.

4 months ago, I predicted this would happen. That deviating from my mother would eventually cast me an exile for the whole family. And now here it is.

My mind is experiencing two things simultaneously and it’s really harming me. On one hand, I can see how this is unfair and logically I’m not obligated to do anything. And this is a drastic assumption on me. But the good child in me avoids being punished and scolded and being labeled a bad child, and therefore this hot seat is very painful. I feel the shame they are casting on me. They think I’m an asshole now. Help.