Quiet love or just not that into me? How to read a reserved man.
I (gay M, early 30s) have been on three dates over three weeks with a guy (gay M, early 30s) I met on Tinder. I have disorganized attachment and a history of feeling unseen in relationships. I'm in therapy and currently doing TMS for depression, so I'm a bit raw emotionally.
The connection is amazing in person. The chemistry, the kissing, the way he holds me — it's unlike anything I've felt. He's respectful of my boundaries, physically tender, and we've gotten very close without having full sex. He told me he's always been reserved and has a flat affect — his face doesn't show much, and he's hard to read. He's in therapy too. When we're together, time flies, I forget my phone exists, and I feel genuinely calm and safe. He planned the first date, I planned the second, and he planned the third. We've consistently talked about wanting to see each other again at the end of every date, and we've seen each other every weekend so far. But after the third date, I knew he'd be busy the following weekend with a work trip and family visiting, so we didn't discuss when we'd hang out next.
His love language is music. He told me sharing music is how he connects. I made him a playlist — my first ever for someone — and he listened to it for hours, gave me thoughtful feedback, and said it was a solid effort. He's queued up songs I love in the car without me asking. Those moments feel intimate and intentional, like he's showing me he cares in his own quiet way.
But his texting and emotional style trigger me badly. After the first date, texts got more formal. He asks follow-up questions but it's sparse. He's consistent — he doesn't ghost — but he's not warm or effusive. I'm always the one leading emotional bids. In person, he's warmer, but I still can't fully read him. He's currently on a work trip abroad. He texted me sweetly from the airport, then landed — and silence since. I saw his dating app distance update, so I know he's been on his phone. It gutted me. I spiraled. I updated my app photos, panicked, changed them back. I'm lying in bed convinced he's just a nice, patient guy who tolerates me and maybe sees me as a friend. My last relationship ended with me feeling deeply unseen — I'm terrified of repeating that.
My questions:
· For those who've dated someone reserved, stoic, or with a flat affect — how do you distinguish "quiet love" (shown through actions, music, planning, gentle touch) from someone who's just not that invested or just being polite?
· How do I bring up a "where are we" check-in after only a few dates without sounding like I'm asking for a commitment? I don't want to self-sabotage something that might actually be real, but I also can't stay in this spiral.
Any perspective welcome.