After 18 years… I think I’m finally done
Weed has finally turned on me. For 18 years, I would smoke most nights after dinner to “relax”. Then I started arguing with myself and I couldn’t determine what the truth was. Something would happen at work and I would feel totally justified in feeling that way…until I smoked weed… then I’d get introspective as fuck…and soft…and start questioning if I made the right choice in reacting the way I did.
To be honest, as much as I love the introspection weed gives me, it’s recently become more confusing as to how I really feel about everything.
I’d get into a fight with my girlfriend, feel totally vindicated and justified in how I felt…then I’d smoke…and then I’d feel bad. I’d feel regretful. I’d question if how I was feeling was correct.
I’m tired of it. I’m tired of questioning how I feel. I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m tired of taking the easy way out, which is what it’s been doing.
Instead of facing those hard conversations, I’d smoke and then put it on the back burner because Mr introspection is here to delay what I felt when I was sober. Whether it was work related or relationship related, I found myself constantly avoiding it the moment I smoked.
Weed served me well for many many years….but now it just confuses me as to how I really feel, where I really stand and who I am.
For the last five weeks I’ve chosen to smoke only on the weekend (Saturday) at night and I haven’t looked back since.