u/PleasantHamster77

TL;DR: After 4 years of visa separation, my husband and I reunited in the US. He is an Assistant Professor who works 6–7 days a week, uses tenure as an excuse to completely abandon family life, and leaves 100% of parenting/housework to me because my WFH job is "flexible." After our latest fight, he used extremely hurtful language, gave me the silent treatment, and moved into our 8-year-old son's bedroom. I feel like a "single mom" and don't know what we are sacrificing for anymore.

I really need a place to vent and get some perspective. I feel completely invisible, exhausted, and honestly, like I am already divorced. At this point, I am just so confused about what the point of all of this even is.

My husband and I are an immigrant family. We met in grad school, and our son was born prior to COVID. Due to visa issues, my son and I actually had to return to our home country for four years while my husband stayed in the US. We finally reunited two years ago after getting our green cards, and our son is now 8 and in the second grade.

But the transition has been heartbreaking, mostly because my husband is extremely stubborn and absolutely refuses to listen to anyone else's input. That is the baseline for everything. We fight constantly because I am just too exhausted, and he gets frustrated right back at me. He thinks he is just being devoted to his career and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what he is doing. He loves to weaponize the silent treatment, and during our arguments, he uses extremely hurtful language. Yesterday, after what feels like our 100th fight, he completely moved his things out of our room to go sleep in our son’s bedroom.

In the two years since reuniting, we have had zero family vacations and virtually zero family time. We live in a three-bedroom house but mostly in entirely separate rooms minding our own things. We never even eat as a family because he claims he stays late at the office to avoid traffic and "reduce the risk of accidents." He never gets home before 7:30 or 8:30 PM, works six days a week, and when he is finally home, he just lays on the couch.

Lately, our son has developed a huge interest in baseball. I bought a glove just so I could play catch with him, and I take him to every single practice and game. My husband couldn't give a damn. Standing there on the field, seeing all the other sports dads showing up and being involved, I just feel more and more frustrated and heartbroken.

Because I work from home with a flexible schedule, the default expectation is that I do everything else—pickups, sports, volunteering, cooking, and cleaning. The absolute extent of his parenting is getting our son up every morning, packing his snack, and putting him on the bus. He always wears me down by arguing that since I can handle it alone, I shouldn't bother him because he needs every second for research.

He always likes to point out that he won’t be this busy once he makes associate professor and gets tenure. But that is at least another 6 to 7 years away. By then, our son will be in high school. Am I supposed to just be a "single mom" this entire time? How does he not see that he is completely missing out on life itself? I just don’t understand- what do our son and I gain from this situation? What are we sacrificing for?

I feel like I am single parenting while cooking and cleaning for a roommate who ignores us and punishes me. Has anyone else dealt with a stubborn academic spouse like this? Feeling life is meaningless.

UPDATE:

First, I want to thank everyone for your incredible kindness and warm replies. I was in tears reading through your comments. I never thought internet strangers could speak so deeply to my heart and give me so much strength. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

A couple of points to add:

1. A lot of people mentioned that he is already used to being alone because of our long physical separation, and that is very true. I took care of our son and attended all of his activities completely by myself in our home country from preschool all the way through kindergarten. Now, after 2 years of being reunited in the US, this has just continued to be our reality. I am pretty sure this is a cultural effect from where we grew up, where "family" and a father's active involvement are often not emphasized or even necessary. I was basically raised by my mom alone; my dad was around physically, but he was never involved. However, growing up that way only made me crave a real, connected family even more. I don't want history repeating itself for my son.

2. To provide a bit more context on his career, he still does not have his own independent grant. His excuse has always been that he wants to get a big grant first, and then, per his exact words, he will "be more involved" with us. But as too many of you have already wisely pointed out, in academia, the goalposts will always move. There will always be a bigger grant, a bigger paper, or a next milestone on the way, and he will never magically find the time.

PhD, deciding career trajectory vs. specialization.

Offer A (signed): New role at a large global company (referral). 100% remote. I’d be part of the first batch of hires in a new function, helping build processes from scratch. High visibility and potentially fast path to promotion as the org scales. Downside: more process/ operations, less tied to my scientific background.

Potential Offer B (new): Hybrid (1-1.5 hours one way), more science-focused, bigger scope, and higher total comp (+$15k base + higher bonus). Stronger alignment with my PhD work, but slower, structured promotions and a commute.

Choosing B would likely mean reneging on A and burning a bridge with the referral and hiring managers.

Goal: Max comp + path to future career promotion.

1. Does being early in a scaling new function usually outweigh higher comp + stronger specialization?

2. Ops/strategy-building path vs staying in-field long-term?

3. How damaging is backing out after signing in a referral situation?

WWYD?