Stress caused to others in active addiction
I’ve had a really bad ket addiction for the last 4 (going on 5) years where I was doing it all day, everyday, in every single place I was. This would be when I wake up, at work, the cinema and even changing rooms in stores etc. During these years I’ve also struggled with addiction to benzos which got quite bad quickly and I was noticeably acting different, like a zombie and then sometimes being quiet or irritable if I was sober for short periods around people.
It got so bad when I started living alone with my sister during university together where she’d see that I wasn’t going into my lectures or projects and staying home all the time just using constantly and it was really upsetting and frustrating for her to see me just destroying myself. It continued into my last year of uni, I had 3 months of being sober from her forcing me to give her all of my money and deleting numbers in front of her and this helped me so much, leading me to getting a first in my last project and my work being nominated for an award and being able to graduate with a high 2:1, which I definitely would not have achieved if I hadn’t been forced to get sober.
Later on though I got stressed out and sad again leading to a relapse that just progressively got worse again, but faster and more painful. I had taken too much at a late gym session by myself leading me to pass out and fall down the stairs as I was leaving and waking up in hospital. This then led to her getting in contact with my family including my mum, that we had been estranged from for nearly 3 years, and telling them that I needed to go to rehab so they managed to arrange this and it was decided that I’d be sent to one in Thailand and after for me to stay in Singapore with them where I had no access to any sort of drug. This was sorted for me to leave Bristol where I had been studying in the next 3 weeks, but during this time I couldn’t stop using and it quickly shot up to taking 3 grams of ket a day.
It got to a point where I couldn’t sleep because I felt pain in my upper back and I woke up within 2 hours in so much pain that I tried to deal with for a few hours but ended up calling her saying i couldn’t take it. She lived 5 minutes down the road from me and ran over with her boyfriend to see me on the floor in my room next to a bowl that I had thrown up in and had to get me to hospital where I couldn’t stand up straight or walk because of the pain. I was wincing in a&e and having staff panic around me with my sister in the room just crying. It calmed down and I said I wanted to go home as there wasn’t much they could do for me. I went back to my sisters place where they tried to help me but towards the evening it got to the point where I was now screaming from what now felt like a heart attack and hot baths weren’t working and I couldn’t keep food or water down. Her housemates could hear and tried to get involved to help and they decided they had to drive me back to hospital and I was screaming so loud the whole way there and in the hospital again. They gave me morphine this time due to my state and it took over 24 hours to settle and was the worst pain I have ever felt in my whole life and lasted so long.
My sister decided straight after that I needed to go home and reconnect with my mum, I didn’t want to for so long due to some past things, and allow myself to see how we’ve changed and stay here until I go to rehab so I can’t be in this state anymore. I know I need to change and it’s weird that I actually feel so much happier so soon when I’m sober, addiction is so horrible and weird and I have more moments now where I can’t believe I was in this state for so long of just being brain dead and clearly high in front of people.
Apart from being sober from now on and really turning my life around permanently, I really want to make it up to my sister for the stress I’ve caused her for so long now from seeing me like this and overdosing so many times. I just don’t know how to I feel so bad, she tells me she loves me and we’re best friends but Ive been such a nuisance to her during years that she should’ve been able to fully enjoy herself and have fun, especially with what she’s been through.
What have you done for others around you that have had to experience you in active addiction after recovering?