32 M- Arrange Marriage - Honest Advice after Roka
I'm 32M, working in a reputed government job in Mumbai. I've been in the arranged marriage process for over 2 years and have been talking to a girl for the last 4.5 months.
We met in Jaipur and spent 3 full days together (around 12 hours each day). We connected really well, became extremely comfortable, and developed genuine feelings. When I'm with her, I feel she's the right person. But when we're apart, I start overthinking and doubting everything.
Some positives:
- We both don't want kids.
- Our families have met and genuinely like each other.
- I was initially insecure because her family is much more educated than mine (father is a doctor, mother a retired professor, sister settled in the US), but after meeting them I found them humble and down to earth.
- She's very understanding and knows about my self-esteem issues, past depression, fear of marriage, career insecurities, and lack of relationship experience.
My concerns:
- She had a 3-year relationship with a toxic guy. After she ended it, he and his relatives harassed her through repeated calls and even came to her house with a marriage proposal. Because of this, she and her parents stayed with her sister in the US from May to September 2025 (around 4 months). She says she has completely moved on, and I don't have any reason to doubt her honesty.
- She experimented with cigarettes and marijuana in college and now drinks socially on occasion. I don't like drinking although I have tried this under peer pressure and ideally wanted a partner who doesn't either. She has agreed not to bring alcohol home but doesn't want to promise she'll never drink socially because she feels that would be an unfair compromise.
- Our financial philosophies are different. I'm a heavy investor aiming for FIRE and prefer a simple lifestyle. She enjoys spending more on experiences. She says she won't interfere with my investments but doesn't want to adjust her lifestyle to match mine. She also earns significantly less than I do.
The biggest issue happened during the engagement process. She initially wanted to take baby steps, but after our families met, her family came prepared for a roka. I wasn't mentally ready, but my sister, brother-in-law and relatives convinced me, and I said yes under pressure. That same night, I realized I wasn't ready and told her I needed more time. She was understandably hurt, and things have become complicated.
I genuinely like her, and most of my earlier concerns (family background, parents, children, etc.) have been resolved. But these remaining issues and my habit of overthinking are making me doubt myself.
My questions:
- Do these sound like genuine compatibility issues or normal pre-marriage anxiety?
- Am I making occasional social drinking and financial differences bigger issues than they actually are?
- Does it sound like I'm looking for 100% certainty before marriage?
- If you were in my place, would you continue with this relationship or walk away?
I'm looking for honest and unbiased opinions, especially from people who have gone through arranged marriage.