I found out my estranged father passed
Hey everyone.
I (30 M) found out yesterday that my estranged father passed away back in December. I am estranged from my mother and sisters as well, and not one of them felt like I deserved to know.
My relationship with my dad was great until the age of 12 when my parents divorced. He began drinking heavily and became verbally abusive. I ended up becoming homeless at 16 because of this.
The last time I saw him was about 12 years ago. I had a really bad panic attack at work so they sent me to the ER. He was my emergency contact at the time so he was called. He showed up to the ER drunk and screamed at me that I was a "loser" and would never amount to anything. Naturally, I cut off all communication with him.
I feel so awful about this. I don't regret the lack of communication because why would I ever put up with behavior like that? But I still feel this horrible sense of sorrow and I am unsure why. I have so many good memories of him before the divorce but the person he became was a completely different dad. I knew this day would come but I am surprised that I feel this way.