Lonely in medschool
Mb for rant
I made no real friends in my first year. I stuck with my flatmate 'friends' all year since they are in my course. One of them didnt want to do stuff out of uni and the other just used me for notes and aired me constantly IN PERSON. I am also increibly socially anxious and dont drink so it is hard to socialise in an area where the majority do drink. My social anxiety was so bad that sometimes my face would twitch when talking to people which i know sounds crazy. Even when walking in public i cant look at other people. I also hyperanalyse every intersction i have leading me to think some people had a distaste towards me. Due to somestuff prior to uni i genuinely believed that people would be digusted by me looking at them or that im a weirdo eventhough ik im pretty average looking. It is just something ingrained into me. I couldnt muster up any courage to make friends in my course besides my flatmates because i didnt go to many sociiety events because in terrified and everyone on my course alr were in groups and trying to join a group of friends is like hell to me. And i want to add this eventhough ik people might think im crazy. While i was doing an icebreaker with my clinical group we played the heads down thumbs up game and for FOUR whole rounds no one picked me just the other two guys every round. I get it can be coincidence but like cmon u kno, but anyways that also lowered my self esteem when it was already low enough.
This all set me up for some terrible experiences for me in lectures, practicals, workshops and clinical skills where im constantly surrounded by happy people with big friend groups. My worst experience was during an exam when everyone was outside the exam hall talking with each other while im standing in the corner, not the worst as it wasnt too long and then we go to like this venue to prevent us communication with the other exam group. I just sat there by myself for like an hour while there are just groups of friends sitting right next to me and everyone is talking while im dead silent. Or on my placement where everyone knew someone where i was just alone and sat alone on the coach while i hear people laughing together.During all of this i genuienly wouldve rather one of my 'friends' be with me then just be alone like that. Sometimes i feel invisble to people as well even on the days i feel like being social. I even feel like i get mistreated by people more then others. I know this is probably in my head but some people don't understand how hard it is to shake. I dont even where i would start if i went to a social event by myself, how to approach how to talk. I did think about attending but in the end i just ended up in my flat. i know i couldve put in the effort but it was the doing part i couldnt seem to do. Its just really hard for me to see everyone having there fun life whereas i am thinking about stuff they never have to worry about. At the very least i did really good academically in my first year.
I was so relieved coming back home as i have so many friends back home and they are really genuine. I have lied to them about my uni experience as i dont like putting my problems on other people( i know this is very contradicting as im posting on reddit) and they seemed to be having a good time in uni mostly. And now im dreading going back to uni.
The social anxiety i mentioned has thnakfully calmed down after i opened up to my parents about it ,after like 8 months,and i can atleast function like a normal person now😅 but the making friends part still needs help. I would like to note that im not diagnosed with social anxiety and i am thinking about seeing a therapist to tackle my issues.
Im going into my second year soon and want to change everything but i dont know about going to a freshers event as a 2nd year i assume there are general tasters for everyone but ye ill see. I would appreciate any tips ppl can give me cuz i need them🙏🏽