My stepfather is a hoarder, and we don't know how to help him
My stepfather owns three houses, and all of them are filled with belongings. It's not just random clutter, though. His younger sister died when she was only 36, and after both of his parents passed away, he became incredibly lonely. I think holding onto their possessions became his way of keeping his family close.
Before he got together with my mom, he was married to another woman. They are separated, but they're still not legally divorced. The biggest obstacle is that one of the houses is supposed to go to his soon-to-be ex-wife as part of the divorce. Before that can happen, he has to remove everything he has stored there.
The problem is that he just can't do it. His ex has threatened to throw everything away if he doesn't get it out. She's super abusive, even threatening him with a knife and a gun. We want him to be able to move on from her and finally finalize the divorce.
He spends hours at the house and genuinely believes he's making progress, but when we check, almost nothing has changed. The house is packed from floor to ceiling. There are piles of fast-food containers and obvious trash mixed in with genuinely valuable items like vintage designer furniture, old musical instruments, professional audio and video equipment, family keepsakes, and other collectibles. Everything is buried together.
We know that if we go in and start throwing things away ourselves, we'll probably destroy his trust and make things even worse. At the same time, watching him live like this is heartbreaking. He's defensive whenever we try to help, and it's clear this is much more than just being messy or disorganized.
We love him and understand that hoarding is a mental health disorder, not laziness. We don't want to force him or shame hi, we just want to help him get unstuck so he can reclaim his life, get divorced, and preserve the things that actually matter to him before it's too late.
How can we help him? What actually works? How do you help someone who wants things to change but seems completely unable to let go? We have a limited timeline because of the divorce and we're actually scared of his ex-wife...