Anxiety is coming back exactly when life is finally getting better and I feel ridiculous
I don't really know where to start, but I guess I'm writing this because I feel like I'm losing control again and I need advice from people who understand.
In my mid-20s I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, although I had probably been struggling for years before that. I only went to a doctor because it got so bad that I couldn't sleep more than 3 hours a night. I constantly felt nauseous, couldn't eat, had anxiety attacks, and I had this horrible feeling in my chest all the time — like the feeling you get before a huge exam you didn't study for. Except I had it constantly.
I started taking escitalopram and it really helped my anxiety and also my depression. I took it for a few years and it genuinely helped a lot. But I still had pretty strong anhedonia (feeling emotionally numb and unable to enjoy things), and I felt very tired all the time.
Eventually I stopped, and then life happened. I got caught up in a war situation, and after that I felt like I needed something again. I researched a lot (including Reddit), talked to my psychiatrist, and started bupropion.
Bupropion has honestly changed my life regarding depression. People have told me I've become a different person. I can say with confidence that for the last two years I haven't really had depressive symptoms.
But my anxiety slowly came back.
At first I managed it, but now I feel like I'm reaching a point where I can't anymore.
I sometimes feel like maybe I'm just not made for life. People say, "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers." I feel like I'm God's weakest soldier and he gives me easy battles and somehow I'm still struggling.
The thing that makes this harder is that objectively I've actually overcome a lot. I moved to a different country with my boyfriend. We have a really good relationship. I waited for a visa and couldn't work for a while. I took language classes and learned a new language. I had terrible financial anxiety because I spent most of my savings on moving and starting over. Then I found a job working with autistic adults. We moved into our first apartment together.
And after six months of job searching, literally yesterday I finally got offered a job that is exactly what I wanted. It will be amazing for my CV and it's a huge opportunity.
But I can't feel happy.
Instead of being excited, my brain immediately searches for what could go wrong. There have been some small issues around timing and start dates because I want to give my current job proper notice and I already had a vacation planned. Rationally I know these are manageable problems. But my mind acts like the world is ending.
On top of that, I have a medical issue. In a few weeks I have a biopsy because of some abnormal cells. It could be nothing, but my brain keeps obsessing over the possibility that it isn't.
I also know I'm heading in a bad direction because I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not eating regularly, not eating well, not exercising, and I've started drinking more alcohol than I should to calm myself down.
And recently something happened that scared me.
At work I made a sandwich in a sandwich maker before taking our clients on a walk. Halfway through the walk I suddenly thought: "What if I didn't unplug it?"
My brain instantly went into complete panic mode. I started imagining that I burned down my workplace and hurt people. I kind of knew that I turned off the sandwich maker but also I convinced myself that I wasn’t sure and that there’s a good chance I didn’t. While thinking this and looking around and sniffing for smoke and flames I KNEW how ridiculous this whole situation was and that it’s my anxiety.
That's when I thought: okay... this is not good.
I don't want to live in this constant state of anxiety anymore. I feel like life is finally starting to go well and somehow I'm ruining it for myself. In general, I wouldn’t say my life is particularly difficult, I got lucky a lot. It also makes me feel like I’m ungrateful and unreasonable to be so stressed and negative all the time.
What I don't understand is: why now?
I've had much harder months recently and somehow I managed. But now that things are getting better, I'm drowning.
Has anyone else experienced anxiety hitting hardest exactly when life finally starts improving? And what actually helped you?