u/Plutonian_Nova

I've spent hundreds of dollars looking for a mental health provider to assess me. These directories and telehealth establishments are smoky mirrors. I swear this is by design, why is it so damn hard to find a physician to perform assessments? This is really discouraging and makes me just want to live the rest of my life as a mad woman.

I am about to settle on one last telehealth that advertises for ASD assessments. I hope they don't waste my time and money. But I really need my suspected BD assessed, it is the highest risk for me that needs to get checked. I'm so scared y'all. I'm afraid my case is too complicated and needs some super human doctor.

I put flair as vent, because that is what I am doing, but please share if you have any advice on how to accurately find professionals (in Cali), and not targeted/misleading services that take my money just to say "Oh I don't do assessments" 🤬

I purposefully hesitated looking at medical history, old photos, school records, notes, diaries, and whatever memoirs I have from my youth. Not exactly sure why, but a part of me feels like I’m in denial. Maybe I’m just so malnourished that I’m depressed and anxious. Maybe the doctors are right, I’m normal and need to go for walks, hydrate, eat more fiber, and practice healthy thoughts.

I don’t remember my childhood that well. I’ve lost total connection to myself. I have no clue who I am or who I am supposed to be. Who is this inner self? Who is this person that brings voice to my thoughts? All that I can identify with is I’m quirky, funny (to me at least, no one laughs), sad, angry, opinionated, witty, bitch. Some people say I’m sweet, but I think I just overly people please and I’m highly empathetic. I want to exceed expectations and be 5 steps ahead.

So I decided to start gathering old photos, report cards, certificates from school, and notes I would write to my mom. Still digging for my medical records from my childhood.

But imagine my validation seeing awards from elementary to middle school; spelling bee finalist, citizenship at summer camp, 100% homework completion, and academic achievement. Yet report cards in high school began showing burnout. Failed PE (multiple absences and suit outs), late assignments in ceramics (it wasn’t perfect yet for the kiln), almost failed algebra but excelled in biology and English. Lots of missed assignments, however I was always a pleasure to have in class (I’m a goofy type).

In my photos, I’m either posed for said photo “look this way and smile”, “put your hands here and tilt your chin down”…or I’m literally doing something. Sliding along the wall, making contorting facial expressions, CHOOSING to be different from everyone in the photo…

In my notes to my mom “sorry I was bad, I’ll do better”, “I promise to be better”, “I love you so much I don’t mean to be bad”, “I wish I could stop the fighting from daddy”, “I wish we can run away”….

Damn it. All the signs were there. The crown is heavy, but the mask is even heavier.

Hugging the little girl stuck inside of me. Not sure what to do, but I hope she can help me figure it out.

“Just a pinch to take the edge off”

I’ve been dealing with a flare, and I’ve been doing pinches of Celtic salt in the morning and at night. I love salty foods and can let a pinch of salt rocks just roll and dissolve on my tongue, I enjoy it 🤤

Does anyone else do this?

I’ve been considering trying electrolyte drinks; Gatorade cucumber lime has me in a chokehold, the flavor is refreshing to me. But I want to find a much better alternative with quality in mind for the ingredients and health of their customers. Buoy seems like a possible contender.

What are your go to electrolyte supplements?

This is a rant or cry for help. I wish there was a vanish option.

I’m having extreme anxiety planning FMLA.
- Less pay per check, not sure how I’ll manage to survive with less money.
- I’m afraid I’ll get fired once I return.
- I don’t know how to manage my FMLA time efficiently.

There’s so much personal sht I got to do just to get doctors selected and the appointments booked. All of the questionnaires, just to see a doctor who won’t listen to me.

I’m afraid of my time being wasted away on experiences that have failed me over and over again. I’m afraid of losing my job. I’m afraid of not being able to pay my bills while on FMLA. I’m afraid of leaving a heap of work for others to manage.

I need to take time off, I’m in burnout and I just feel it getting deeper. Seems like everyday my pain migrates, yesterday it’s neck and shoulders. Today it’s stomach pain and pain in my legs/behind my knees.

I feel like giving up. This is my 6th time in my career needing to take some sort of leave due to burnout, but will be my 1st with undiagnosed ASD/ADHD awareness. I’m afraid that I won’t gain any relief and will only return to the same life but with drugs, and I don’t want that. I did it years ago, for anxiety and depression, which did NOTHING for me. All they wanted to do was play whack a mole with drugs.

I don’t want to wait weeks or months “just to see” what happens. I don’t have that fkn time to play the games with doctors. I need them to listen to me and get me right and calibrated for a regime that works. I don’t have time to play guesswork with them. I need professionals that are compassionate, confident, and competent.

Sigh. This is when I just curl up under my blankets and wish it away, start whispering “wake up” hoping this is just some nightmare I’m dreaming.

I have to be at work in 10 mins and I haven’t showered yet.

Exactly that. Feeling guilt and shame for being in pain. Sometimes it’s more painful than the actual pain.

I’ve been in a lot of pain, sometimes I can’t tell where it’s from or where it hurts, I’m just in constant pain. But the most difficult part is articulating it and also asking for grace.

I want to lay in bed all day. I wish I could float because that would ease my pain. But it hurts so much asking for grace. I feel like I’m constantly apologizing for my absence, feeling inadequate, and threatening my livelihood.

This causes me to go to work and mask through migraines, neck pain, abdominal pain, and dizziness, the list goes on. No wonder I’m exhausted. It’s a daily struggle. Takes me 2 hours to get out of bed.

Should I be more kind to myself and give myself grace? How can I accept and articulate myself and not feel like a failure?

Sigh. I need a therapist and a plethora of doctors so so badly. Dealing with a bunch of mystery boxes of life.

Through some research I’ve learned that there’s a percentage of girls who are undiagnosed and diagnosed ASD that have a hearing disability/impairment, such as deafness. I’m curious to know if there are any women in our community who are deaf and how was your AuDHD diagnosis/undiagnosed experience?

I (37f) have self diagnosed AuDHD. I am also born half deaf (SSD) and suffer from tinnitus. There are too many coincidences and signs in my life and family history to not deny that I am on the spectrum.

My SSD wasn’t discovered until my physical to start kindergarten at 4 years old (I told my mom I was bored and wanted to go to school like my 14 yr old aunt that lived with us). I truly believe my SSD is the reason my AuDHD was overlooked as a child. Doctors consulted with hearing implants and devices, but my mom didn’t want me to have to wear it or go through surgery. Even as an adult I don’t want to wear a device or explore surgery.

As of 6 months ago I’ve discovered and accepted my self diagnosis. I could go on for hours of all the symptoms I suffer and the identity crisis I am going through. Unpacking 37 years is a lot.

So many times and til this day people can call my name while standing next to me and I won’t hear them. But then I can hear every single thing in silence, which is my tinnitus. It’s roaring loud. Yet, I can hear the compressor to my fridge in the middle of my sleep. Surely only a specialist could explain that!

My hearing disability has really made my auditory sensory issues very particular. I love my loud music, can’t stand others background noise. Can’t sleep during the day because, noise. Hard to stay asleep at night because, noise. I try to sleep on my hearing side to deafen all sound as much as possible, but the tinnitus just gets louder.

I’m currently averaging 5-6 hours sleep on a good night, sometimes all the way through. The bad nights are 3-4 hours and they get worse at 45-60min intervals. This all has recently started since going through high stress at work, and hormone fluctuations.

Anyway, I could go on and on. 💜

So I play this mindless yet entertaining city building game called, Stardew Valley. In summary, in this game you take over the farm your late grandfather left you.

I finally built my barn and got my first cow.

Her name is.

Beula.

I got a little satisfaction out of it, which then I decided to start a whole new character story as, Beth on Dutton Ranch Farm.

Two days off is not enough, for me at least. Every Monday I’m a scribble ball. Just a ball of scratchy noise. I can’t think, zero motivation for all the masking I gotta prepare for. Not to forget the rushing to get dressed and doing my hair, I’m exhausted before I’m out the door.

This is why I have zero PTO hours left. I use them for my really bad Mondays.

I hate Mondays.

Lately I’ve been wanting to ask all kind of questions and voice my experiences. It seems to help in some way.

Though after spending time in this sub, I see a lot of the same questions being asked, and it does get very tiring.

Are there apps out there with AI that I could just vent and rant into, let it categorize my notes, help me research my symptoms, and kinda just soundboard for me?

Like a pocket therapist/personal assistant.

Just need something to unload on that isn’t a person or myself. I’m tired of feeling like a burden, pessimistic, or “too much”. Even when people say they want to help, support, and reassure me that I’m not a burden, I never believe it.

Does anything like that exist? Or should I go take my billion dollar idea to the tech grifters?

I (37f) am undiagnosed, currently in the midst of begging and pleading for support and advocacy from my healthcare provider. I feel like I’m losing everything. My entire life has changed in a span of 6 months, I cannot function like how I used to anymore.

I try to convince myself I’m OK and push through all of the noise and pain, just to have a severe meltdown that puts me out for a few days if not more.

Is this normal? It’s it normal to feel like a completely different person in the same body? Is it normal to want to be left completely alone because I can’t deal with people (even the ones I love the most)?

I wish I could but the world and my brain on mute with subtitles off. I am tired and just want to vanish.

Therapy doesn’t help either, telling myself “I am safe” and breathing 10x with a glass of water ain’t gonna cut it.