Going from childfree to open to kids
Hi, so ever since I was a kid, I’ve always been told “Trust me you don’t want to have kids. It’s exhausting” or me and my grandma jokingly saying to her “yeah I’m never having kids”. I’d always watch supernanny, see the parents struggling, and just think “Yeah absolutely not.”. My parents got divorced what I was just 14-15 years old. I watched my dad leave, and my mom became the one to handle all the parenting herself. I saw her crying, depresssed, trying to keep a straight face knowing she was alone. I’ve always been afraid of children, or more like the responsibility. But I met a guy who seems like he would be an amazing father and partner. He’s always talking to me about how he’d be there through the lows and downs and any struggles that come we’ll work through them together and that I won’t be alone. Which makes me a bit less afraid of having a child and more open to kids with him.
But, when I’m alone I’m more terrified.
I’m afraid of not doing it right, being too gentle of a parent, being too overprotective, experiencing regret, not being loud or stern enough, being exhausted all the time, being judged by others and other parents, not having time for my own life like friends and family and work, and just losing my whole life in general. Not having time for my hobbies as well, or my husband. All these fears, make me so afraid that nausea becomes a thing.
My fear of parenthood I feel blinds me. Everytime I’m afraid I genuinely can never tell if I want kids or not, but when I’m not afraid and see children, I feel like more excited to have that with my boyfriend. I just, I’m so confused as to what’s happening.
Has anyone else experienced this? Because I’m just very confused on whether I want children or not even though I’m a 23-24 year old female.