I regret who I had a baby with
My husband has always had a short temper, but since having our baby, I’ve realized just how serious it really is.
Right now, he stays home with our 3-month-old while I work as a nurse three 12-hour shifts a week. Every single day I’m at work, my phone is constantly blowing up with messages about how “horrible” our baby is. And yes, our baby is difficult right now — he cries often, wants to be held constantly, only wants contact naps, and still wakes every two hours at night to eat. He’s a baby. He’s learning how to exist.
But instead of support, I spend my entire shifts being told everything our baby is doing “wrong.” I already struggle with postpartum anxiety, and my husband knows that these messages make it worse, but he doesn’t seem to care. He says he’s just “venting” and has every right to. He’s called our baby a demon and said he’s made his life worse.
What hurts even more is that to everyone else, he acts like the perfect dad. Nobody in my life truly knows what I’m dealing with behind closed doors. I feel like I’m suffering in silence. I cry on the drive to work and the drive home almost every shift.
Lately, I’ve become so overwhelmed and depressed that I’ve caught myself not wanting to be here anymore. The only thing keeping me going is my baby — because I refuse to leave him.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just needed to finally say it out loud instead of holding it all in.