u/Possible-Log2949

Hello again my Spicy friends,

Sorry for how wordy this post is this is a symptom for me

For context to this post I am a 25 year old person with ASD 2, i am "independent" (as in i live away from home now and don't have a carer or anything) but don't work (never have) and struggle a lot with household tasks self-care eating etc. and emotional regulation, i am hyperverbal but struggle to make clear points (i often need someone else to interpret & condense my train of thoughts for me) and talk way too much without understanding when its my turn to start or stop. I flucuate between LSN/MSN but this is compounded by ptsd ocd adhd a tic disorder and a lot of 'psychomotor agitation' (rocking etc.) as my psychiatrist put it. aka I am fine one on one but I can be a bit odd and people can find me uncomfortable very easily or interpret me as scary or selfish/malicious sometimes even i think which upsets me a lot to consider.

I am also a religious person (Anglican Catholic) studying theology, and spend a lot of time in churches doing various things from altar serving to setup to study group, and also there's charity volunteer work I do associated with this a lot. I am trying to become a priest or deacon eventually (not trying to bring politics into this, I am mentioning for context + this is my special interest and the only field where my single-mindedness can work for me).

I volunteer weekly at a community lunch where I am very well liked, and I have many people within church contexts, including those who are ordained priests, who understand my autism and treat me as a respectable adult despite everything and will advocate for me and vouch for me. In fact the niche I'd like to fill if I am to ever be ordained is in autistic theology & ministry and adaptations of more ritualistic service structures to eg. be accessible for a HSN child & their family and more practical things like that, and approaches to God through the autistic lens. But this is a bit of a sidetrack now. In short there are understanding people around me in an environment where I can be openly singleminded and autistic happily and I have a constant stream of grandmothers at my beck & call if I should so need one

But outside of these familiar contexts, and into secular contexts, or even my own friend group, I think I struggle a lot with how I am percieved and with acting like a 'real adult'. I know I am 25 and I have the intellect but my only comforts are plush toys and I think I take a bit of a childish enthusiasim for things and my roundabout speech doesn't help. It doesn't help I look young etc. I look at my same-age peers and there's something just fundamentally different or they are surprised to hear I am in fact 25.

But I don't know how to dress "like an adult" (i don't dress weird or anything i just have had the same clothes since i was like 12 and don't see a point in changing them), I don't know how to tone down my excitement, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I have had multiple instances where I just start crying over nothing and can't really control it. I don't cry loud, I just cry, like everything hits me too much. This emotional dysregulation and percieved emotional childishness and the things that comfort me often made my ex quite angry at me and it's behaviour that as a kid was tried to remove from me via punitive measures.

I also pee my pants. A lot. I have done this since I was a kid and cannot stop. It sucks. I don't know if others notice, but I notice it, and thankfully now it's very minimal kind of incidents that don't leave me smelling awful. it's just embarassing to know that it's happening in the middle of a context where I am supposed to be behaving and looking a certain way. i also pick my nose, don't think twice about wiping my hands on my clothes, and i spill my food everywhere when I eat and struggle a lot with neatness. If I am asked to do dishes or chop certain things at my volunteer gig I have to decline and ask others to do it because water goes everywhere or whatever I'm chopping up will go flying around.

Not everyone - even into religious professional contexts, in the street, etc - is going to be as accepting of my disability even with explanation and people advocating for me. This is something that could cost me my dream vocation and the only thing I can do (that childish perception of me and childish presentation). It's very frustrating.

I understand others definitely feel the same way I do. But how do we deal with it? How do you bridge that gap where you are technically an intellectual and OK but you are fundamentally different and seem stuck in some psuedo-childhood forever due to your disability. And how do I stop crying at literally everything that makes me feel rejected or 'in trouble' when I am a full grown adult? I suppose what I'm asking is; how do I mask? : ( I don't think it's a skill I can learn, but if anyone has tips for managing yourself emotionally in socially acceptable ways or presenting yourself as Not A Child when you need to, that would help, because right now I don't really know how to escape it and feel more in-line with my peers.

hello, sorry, i'm just gonna rant

i have recently been through a big mental health crisis after a bad breakup 3months ago and getting kicked out of my house recently too. i got out of the psychiatric ward on friday night. i was only there for a few days and had a major meltdown and screaming fit at my landlord when i got home. thankfully she took it well and didn't get me put back in there.

I was kicked out because i can't manage chores or keep my space clean without being told to do it and my live-in landlord wanted me to do most of the cleaning in the house but saw it as labour to tell me to do things even though i explained repeatedly i am disabled and i need a prompt and very specific instructions. she knows i will do things promptly if she asks me. she just said i am a lazy gen z. i have found a new place thankfully but i would have been stuffed if my good friend didn't come across it

aside from that the breakup i mentioned was very disruptive and i feel listless after because a big part of my schedule and routine is now gone. i feel i cannot get my schoolwork done and such or cook for myself. i brush teeth and shower every day but i don't do much else. it's like a massive gap is there (because there is). this person

but anyway while in the ward which i think was a good circut breaker and less bombarding environment i realised a few things about myself like i really need to learn routine.

i grew up in a very disruptive environment and i also have ADHD and complex early trauma. i remember struggling so much coming out of primary school into secondary becauxe the routine required was so different. i dropped out at 14 because i couldn't handle it. but i also think looking back on that i really, really need routine and obvoiously do a lot better with it. but i can't manage myself or organise anything. it just doesn't happen. i really need life skills help. but it just isn't there?

i managed to somehow get diagnosed with asperger's as an 8yr old female in 2008 and no support was offered, in fact my mum hid the diagnosis from me on some level and i've had to get rediagnosed twice since for varying reasons. i couldn't tie my shoes as a kid until i was 12, i pissed my pants every day until i was 13, i had no friends, didn't shower properly until i was in my 20s (i'd just stand there and not actually wash). ate snot. i had awful stuff happening at home but that aside like... i was just seen as an idiot who wouldn't learn fast enough or like i was gross or lazy or this was something to be mad about. you are seen as such a freak if you are a well spoken or eloquent hyperverbal person (loquascious as it says on my 3rd autism diagnosis lmao) but have life skills issues.

the hospital spoke about getting me in contact w/ some kind of community rehab team to help with some life skills stuff but i haven't heard from them yet. i also got asked to do an interview w/ a fucking tiktoker in the psych ward? that's unrelated. but from what they told me and social workers and stuff has found pretty much everything 'suitable' is geared toward people w/ severe schizophrenia or simialr conditions and not just struggling autistic adults who weren't supported to learn this stuff as kids. i can't even open boxes and shit without everythjing been torn or flying everywhere or spilling food everywhere. it sucks technically being this fully independant adult but knowing you can't hold a 'normal' job or give yourself a reasonable standard of living.

i also struggle a ton socially with engaging with other people's interests. i'm some kind of awesome charismastic public speaking machine who has goals but i'm also awful at parties and i have anxiety attacks when people play unfamiliar music and i want control of everything and i say offensive things without thinking about it. it all sucks. my ex dumped me because she said my support needs were too much for her even though i didn't expect much of her. it just feels like having a pox on me being in this weird interim where i'm not autistic enough to get proper targetted support, too autistic for the level 1s or normies to accept, and also too autistic to have a regular lifestyle or standard of living : ( it doesn't help my main special interest is kind of socially unacceptable to some people and can literally start arguments and make people Dislike me on mention of it for varying reasons (it isn't even anything offensive it's just a touchy subject). but i can't shut the fuck up about it even when people are obvoiously distressed or disinterested or even about to scold me for bothering with it. everything sucks and i wish i was loveable not in spite of my autism but for it and at the least the passion it can give me and my honesty and gullability and open bookness. dunno. thanmks.