When does it get better? How do you take care of yourself? (Vent)
Im so tired of not sleeping, of nightmares, of sobbing, of phantom pain, of walking around pretending everything is okay and normal when I'm constantly on the verge of tears or screaming. I'm tired of seeing children and families who are complete strangers but seem to be healthy and happy and normal. I'm tired of lying about why my mental health is so bad. I'm tired of feeling like life is cruelly unfair.
It's been 2 months since I had the very first flashback/realization that I was abused daily for at least ages 6-13 by my mother - my only parent/caregiver. I haven't seen or spoken to her in a bit over a month, but I feel like she's going to investigate why soon. I get panic attacks when I see very neutral texts from her.
I've started EMDR, and I know what happened to me in words, but I'm so scared when I finally visualize/access the memory, I might go insane. My therapist says I'm doing well, but I feel like my life is about to fall apart at any given moment.
I'm trying to do 'normal' things, I go to work (and disassociate and be anti-social), call and make plans with friends, do hobbies, eat regularly-ish, and even got a gym membership for the first time. But this horrible thing is bubbling beneath the surface of anything 'normal' i try to do, all the time. When I'm in regular talk therapy I don't even know what to say, except it all sucks.
How long did it take you to get out of this state of constantly thinking about the abuse? What helped you feel better? How did you know it was a healthy or helpful coping strategy? Any and all kinds of advice is appreciated!