In laws hoarders
I would like to get some advice on the follow, to understand whether I’m really difficult about this whole situation.
My in laws (70s) are unfortunately hoarders. I did not grew up in such a way, so maybe that’s why I struggle to understand the whole concept. For a bit of a content, they have three houses filled in with absolutely insane items. For example, they have 10 irons (just because they were cheap of free), they have expired food that they moved across between two continents and they are proud to announce they eat expired pesto from 8+ years and things like this.
For example, if they see someone left something behind and nobody is around they will take it, no matter if it’s even a road sign or the most useless thing and they will store the road sign in the room or garden. If they notice some family forgot their swimming muscles on the beach, they will take these as well despite the fact they do not need it. The house is not the cleanest, they don't like to shower or use soaps in the middle of the summer, so they do have a bad outdoor. We went travelling to a summer destination and my father in law was wearing the same short for two to three days that was covered in sweat on 35+ degrees heat. I kept nodding my husband to ask them to wash their clothes which was a difficult convo. Anyways, when they are in their own home, they barely ever wash their clothes, they keep re wearing the same clothes, but rarely ever washing them.
The fridge often has mouldy food and they will get mad if we try and dispose the food. If i buy my own drink, the father in law will drink straight from my bottle. They are aware that I dislike that and I have slight OCD, but I feel like he is doing is out of spite, idk maybe I'm wrong.
In the house, there is one table with a bench inside only, and half of the table is filled in with junk. So if it rain out and we are stuck inside, we have to spend all day at this table. When the weather is sunny, we are outside all day sitting out on the chairs and benches.
Me and my husband have our first baby in a several months on the way and I said, I will be happy to visit them next year, but we need to rent our own place so I can prepare baby’s food and ensure baby is not exposed to old food etc. I’m aware that my husband would never endanger me or the baby, and when we do go there, we do eat fresh caught fish and store bought things etc - the hoarding is also manifested in that regard - always buying new food from the markets and so on, looking for deals all the time closer to the expiry date (which also annoys me for example the yogurt that will expire in a few days). My biggest concern is the baby, I want to be the one who feeds the baby. I just wouldn’t trust my In laws enough that they wont for example take the milk for my baby and drink out of the bottle and things like this. And for my own sanity, because I dont want to spend two weeks from morning to evening, I want to be able to walk in my underwear for example and bits like this. I have seen them in our house eating out of a jar peanut butter with a spoon and i just don't like transferring germs, or kissing bottle if they know we all use the milk.
If we buy our own food just for us, there is no space to store it in the two fridges as they are filled in to the top ie overflowing with food.
Husband is saying he can’t change his parents, they wont accept anyone coming into the house and doing any cleaning. Because they do not need all of those things.
So my question to my husband was if they don't want to change (fine by me) why do I have to change my OCD and having to adjust to their way of living? They are three brothers in their 40ties and 30ties and they are all scared to approach them to speak with them or find a solution. According to my husband, I do not understand and I have to accept this is how they are now. But he is not getting it that I do not want to take baby around to eat food in their house unless, I specifically prepare it. He says they have gotten worse with the hoarding over the years since the kids all moved out, and when he attempts to clean things up it works for a short while but then goes back to the routine. It doesn't help that the summer home is part of a larger family dispute etc so its tougher to manage/renovate (Europeans will understand this).
We luckily have a lot of vacation time (8weeks), and we live on another continent and we are lucky enough to see other parts of the world. He is very proud of where he is from etc, and doesn’t want to forget about culture and things like that as we pass them onto our kids. I am not too connected to where I am from, nor am I so close with family, so I’m not as influenced by that aspect, BUT I’m willing to compromise to go back to his part of the world, but stay in rented accommodation as opposed to instead of spending two to three weeks with his parents in their house.
Am I being harsh in not wanting to spend two to three weeks in his parents house that he has such connection to, or are my views justified. It is in a beautiful place in the world, on the seaside, and people dream of places like that for kids as well, but unfortunately it is the ways I described. My husband is well aware of everything - he is not delusional, and he is trying to balance things which I understand. Am I in the right or the wrong?