u/Prestigious-Delay842

I’m a single mom of 4 young children and I feel just completely depleted. About a year and a half ago I found out I had severe anemia, I really thought that was the reason for my depression and fatigue. But it persisted even after infusions. If it were just me, I don’t know how I would keep going. I already feel like I’m in survival mode. But I keep going every day for my kids. I put all of my energy into taking care of them, and none into taking care of myself. I rarely eat, but I’ve gained so much weight and look so swollen. I think my cortisol must be through the roof. All I want to do is lay down all the time, it’s like the moment I’m standing my body feels weighed down. I don’t care about my appearance or hygiene. I haven’t colored my hair in 6 months and prior to that I hadn’t for 8 months. I only wear sweats and big t shirts. I feel so guilty, I have always loved motherhood and was really proud of the mother I was. I’ve been divorced 3 years and have lived away from family and friends for 2 years. I don’t really have any support. I have full custody. My ex husband just agreed to taking my children two weekends a month so I can have a little break (previously he’d just visit them for a few hours twice a month). On the weekends they’ve gone I end up cleaning a ton. It confuses me because when my children are here, I feel paralyzed. I feel like I can never make progress on cleaning and organizing compared to how quickly they destroy things. But if they’re not here, I’m able to get so much done very quickly. I’m not currently on anti depressants because I don’t have insurance, and I had horrible withdrawals from Zoloft when I got off of it. I vowed to never go back on. I still have a few bottles of it leftover and I’ve considered taking it. I’m sorry, I know this is word vomit I just don’t know who to talk with about it. If you made it this far, thank you.