u/Prestigious_Ant_904

I have been lurking for a while trying to make sense of my situation and I finally feel like I need outside perspective from people who have actually lived this. I don’t know where else to turn.

My wife and I dated about a year before getting married and have now been married just under a year. When I met her I genuinely felt like I found the person I had been praying for. Sober, she is kind, loving, empathetic, and everything I wanted. I love her deeply and that is what makes this so hard.

The problem is alcohol. And everything underneath it.
She is not a daily drinker but she has no off switch when she does. Three to five times a week it ends badly. She becomes volatile, degrading, and physically aggressive. These symptoms showed themselves slightly while we dated but did not become a major problem until marriage.

Her father went to prison for alcohol fueled domestic violence before she ever knew him. Alcoholism runs on both sides of her family. Every significant man in her life has left or abandoned her. Because of that she has profound abandonment trauma. When I try to create distance to de-escalate she experiences it as abandonment and escalates further. I cannot stay without absorbing abuse and I cannot leave without triggering her trauma. There is no good exit.

Early in our marriage I did not understand how to separate the sober version of her from the drunk one. After hours of degradation I would sometimes say hurtful things back. Reactions, not causes. But she points to those reactions as equivalent to her behavior and cannot take accountability without requiring me to admit my wrongs simultaneously.
She also uses threats and blackmail when she loses control of a situation to prevent me from holding any real boundary.

She is currently in therapy and has agreed to three conditions. Complete sobriety. Joining a weekly support group. Stopping the threats and blame shifting. However, I have heard agreements before like this that weeks later were not taken as seriously.

This last week has been one of the most painful of my life. Things were said and done I do not know if I can look past. And yet I find myself gaslighting myself into thinking maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am communicating wrong. Maybe I am not doing something right.

I am not perfect. I am a man who strives to grow in his faith every day and I genuinely want to be the person she has always needed. I do not want to leave. But I need honest perspective from people who have lived this.

How often does someone with this level of trauma and ingrained patterns actually change when they agree to? Is the self gaslighting normal? And is love enough to justify giving this a real chance?

Any honest advice is appreciated.