u/PretendCarpenter506

How common is or was stonewalling in your BPD relationship? To be clear, when I say stonewalling I am talking about where they flat refuse to communicate with you at all about something important to you, bothering you, or you need answers on. Stonewalling is different than the silent treatment. The silent treatment is typically used to punish whereas stonewalling is typically used to avoid accountability or avoid a secret they are keeping from being exposed.

For example, you ask them about something they said or did, the answer they give you doesn't make sense. When you ask for clarification, they say "I told you what happened. I am done talking about this" and that's the only answer you get. If you try to push it further they will split on you and discard you if necessary. Other times it can take the form of just flat ignoring you when you ask them a direct question or they change the subject.

My diagnosed BPD ex would stonewall me all the time and it was easily the most frustrating part of the relationship for me. I'm curious if this was unique to her or pretty common in all BPD relationships.

This seems to be a hotly debated question with strong beliefs on both sides. I would like to give my personal opinion on this based on the two long-term BPD relationships I have been in for a combined 15 years of my life. One partner was both diagnosed and in treatment (medication and therapy). The other was diagnosed and untreated.

The answer to this question depends on how you define "cheating". If we are strictly talking about having sex with another person while clearly in a relationship with you, no I do not believe most people with BPD cheat under that definition. However, that is a very narrow definition and excludes a lot of common BPD behaviors that constitute betrayal. These behaviors can include....

1. Someone with whom they are having an emotional affair.
2. Someone they do not have a physical or emotional affair with but have an inappropriate relationship with.
3. Someone they know has a romantic interest in them but they intentionally keep as a friend or in their orbit somehow.
4. Not being clear about their relationship status with friends and family, not making their relationship status public on social media, not positing couple's pics on social media, deactivating but not deleting their dating app profiles, refusing to delete SnapChat, accepting friend requests from strangers of the opposite sex, continuing to maintain friendships with their ex's or people they've had sex with, posting provocative pics on their story, etc.
5. Intentionally discarding you for the sole purpose of being able to date or have sex with someone else and then immediately getting back together with you afterwards so that it technically cannot be considered cheating (i.e. dumping you on Friday so they can go on a date with someone over the weekend and then getting back together with you on Monday).

Remember, the #1 characteristic of someone with BPD is an intense fear of abandonment - in other words their biggest fear in life is being alone and without anyone who loves them or actively pursuing them. Almost no one with BPD can point to long periods of their adult life where they were totally single and alone. The idea of not having have a backup plan or options they can quickly exercise if their current partner abandons them is simply intolerable to most people with BPD. They are always thinking 3 moves ahead to ensure they will never end up alone.