Heavy thoughts
I wish I can go back in time and just keep walking past the recruiting station.
Maybe I should’ve joined another branch and not the army…but sometimes I just think “what if I just completed them 3.5yrs. I would’ve went to Afghanistan, then ETS’d maybe 1yr later” I mean when I was going through the process of getting out (chaptered out under DADT) a few of the SGTs were like “no don’t go, after deployment it gets better”
I was like, “it’s not even about deploying, this life isn’t what I thought it would be and I don’t trust any of you”
I was SA’d one night and I reported it, I did all I could despite not knowing who the man was…..but I kept getting harassed by men and eventually I was outed by a “battle buddy” I confided in. That prompted an investigation and ultimately I was the joke of the company. I was truly embarrassed.
I joined because I wanted to help and defend America. I was athletic but I was homeless and it was pretty much a do or die. The recruiter made it seem so good. I was made to believe that the Army was my way out….i cry sometimes because I wish I was who I was before I went in….a part of me is still lingering in those barracks. The Army took a part of me that I wasn’t willing to give.
I didn’t mind going to war because I truly believed the US was going to get the bad guys…now, learning more and listening to other vets who did go to the sandbox, a part of me is like “did I dodge a bullet” yet, the other part of me is like “I’m a pos for not going”
I threw out the rest of my cup of kool-aid, but I still have the empty cup…
I feel like a loser, but I feel like I did what I could to ensure my safety and survival because look at the other women since that have been hurt or worse by their own. Vanessa Guillen for example…women are not protected and it’s sad because there’s a lot of bad ass women that are meant to be in uniform….
I just want this pain and feeling to go away. 🥺