I don’t know what I need
My (30F) partner’s (31M) depression & anger is spiraling out of control. We have been together ten years and he’s always struggled with anxiety pretty badly with some bouts of depression. But his depression has really just exploded since we bought our house two years ago. I’m not even sure why I’m posting or what I want out of this. I have deleted about ten giant paragraphs trying my best to verbalize all of the nuances and little details as to why he feels the way he does. But it’s so hard to make sense of it all to myself never mind convey it to other people. He has started to blame everything on me and what I lack for the way he feels. Waking up at 2 AM and threatening to kill himself and going on insane rants about how much he hates his life and me and our relationship and what I’m bringing to the table is why he wants to. Basically telling me on a regular basis that I have ruined his life and when I speak up and say that it’s unfair he gets angrier and tells me I’m making it about myself. While he sits there and makes it about me….I’m not someone who can’t sit here and take responsibility for my short comings. I try really hard to be someone he wants and try really hard to improve his mindset. I’m a painfully positive person, just by nature. But I’m losing it at this point. The pressure I feel from him all the time about my role in his mental health is starting to suck the life out of me. I really am not a bad person or some secret bitch that’s coming to Reddit to whine while really being the villain. I try really hard in all aspects of my life. I don’t earn a lot of money but I try and make up for that in other ways. I’ve always known he loves me, but I’m really starting to question lately if that is the truth and maybe he would be better off without me. His mental health might improve if I wasn’t weighing on his life. I’m not being purposefully vague, I just almost can’t find the energy to try and piece it all together to provide strangers on the internet more context. I am just struggling and feeling very alone and beat down. I don’t share this with other people in my life because I don’t want their view of him to change. Because I know he’s not a bad person. Before anyone asks he will not do therapy no matter how many times I’ve asked, so it’s all on me. But I’m beginning to become a shell of myself as a result of all this. I guess that’s it. I just wanted to vent a little and see if anyone could relate a little bit, and feel less alone. I apologize because I’m not a Reddit expert by any means, I just scroll on here sometimes. So if anything I’m saying isn’t right, please forgive me. I wish nothing but the best for everyone in here trying their best to keep themselves together while being strong for someone else. It’s extremely difficult to push your feelings aside of a daily basis because the other is so fragile. I wish you all the best❤️