Dont know what to even do about this anymore
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Honestly, I don't even know how to begin. Im not the type of guy who knows how to express emotions, hell i cant even keep any friends and it seems like all this time i have been the one pushing them away just to protect myself, i do not trust every single person for quite a long time and im not even proud of it but its just that everytime someone wants to connect with me as a friend, I kinda have this hidden ability to just vanish from them, while they were out there seeking for my connection as well. I dont wanna say this but I feel so bad now.
I cant undo it but recently had a brief interaction where the barriers of my "Solitude" had been broken without me even realizing. She was just there in an instant, no introduction, just a random purpose, random interaction and I could not comprehend what the hell just happened that someone literally walked into my life just like that for a brief moment and just left without knowing each others name, and from then on, I finally am open to emotions, I suddenly felt emotions like what the actual hell is happening, people are entering my life now, I mean i now seek for a connection i never even knew I could, am i just daydreaming? Was it just a nightmare?
I feel like everyone sees me as disinterested about everything social but this particular person entered briefly, a few hours, random topics, just random. And now everything had color, everything had a sound, and every people is not a blur for me anymore.
It's probably gonna be weird when I say this but the day that interaction happened, i did not care about everything around me, and just the conversation mattered for me, I loved the feeling of having to speak to someone randomly and having my energy intact and not drained (every people i meet drains me even if its just a "hello")
And then, the day ended. If I can call it anything, I'd say it was one heck of a dream because I dont know her at all, I never initiated for that kind of introduction because everything just happened. But why the hell can't i forget about it