Confused
I am heavily debating whether or not to be childfree.
Background - 24F will be marrying my long term partner 23M within the next two years. I was always scared of having a child but I did imagine becoming a mother mostly because I had always thought that was the default path. The same goes for my partner.
My bhabhi recently had a child and now I am super conflicted and cannot stop thinking about it. I see her struggling postpartum, breastfeeding, no sleep, poopy diapers, baby crying all day due to teething or vaccinations etc and I cannot imagine the same life for myself. At the same time my 9 month old nephew gives me the biggest smile whenever he sees me and it's a joy to even look at him.
I am leaning towards being CF because of a lot of reasons. I am extremely scared of losing my sense of self and my identity to motherhood. I don't want to go through pregnancy and childbirth, I have always had body image issues and I fear that the irreversible bodily changes that come with birthing a child will make me extremely depressed and resentful. I already struggle with depression and anxiety, I had been abused as a child. I don't know if I am cut out to be a nurturing mother due to my own issues. The idea of losing my best years, my body, my hard earned career is scary.
At the same time I am also thinking, what is 24 year old me doesn't want a child but 45 year old me does, and I regret not choosing that path. Because freedom and flexibility would have become normal, there is only so much you can travel and only so many things you can buy, friends will be busy with their families, like what if life starts feeling unfulfilled and empty in my older days?
I know there is no perfect choice, but I am scared to make an irreversible decision. I also worry that maybe societal pressure and FOMO will change my mind and I will make a decision I regret later.
Whosoever I talk to in my friends and family tells me not having a child feels great in your 30s but you will feel the weight of your decision in your late 40s or so.
My partner is just as conflicted as I am, but he says that it should eventually be my decision since I will be the one going through pregnancy and childbirth.
We come from a very small town in eastern UP. People cannot even fathom the idea of CF couples here. So the pressure from family and society will be immense. Especially from my to-be MIL who is extremely traditional, patriarchal and misogynistic. I want to feel confident in my decision. Idk what to do.
Anyone else here who feels/felt conflicted? What do/did you tell yourself?
TL;DR confused about whether or not to be childfree. What did you tell yourself when you felt conflicted?